Guess Who's Back...

Let's see, it's been about a year since I last posted on here, so let me catch you up on some things:

• I completed the Boston Marathon on April 18, 2022; it took me 6 hours and 37 minutes from start to finish. Fun fact (sarcasm): the BAA (Boston Athletic Association) has me listed as "Did Not Finish" in their official records because they don't recognize Boston Marathon finishing times that take longer than 6 hours - but I did in fact finish, and I have the medal and the lost toenail to prove it.
• I raised about $8,000 for the Dana Farber Cancer Institute as part of my Boston Marathon experience in 2022 - that accomplishment feels even more victorious than finishing the race itself.
• Since completing the marathon, I did not run at all for 11 months and yesterday (March 18, 2023) I actually felt like running and completed 3 miles on the treadmill. And man am I sore today - definitely out of practice! But it felt really good just the same. Until yesterday I was repulsed by the very thought of ever running again. About a month or so after the Boston Marathon I was telling my husband how surprised I was at my lack of desire to ever run again and he said, "You will run again, someday, when you're ready". I didn't think I'd ever feel like running again and then yesterday I woke up and thought, "I feel like going for a run".  And just like that, my running slump ended.
• In May 2022 I got sick with COVID after going on a trip to Florida. The sickness was fairly uneventful - I felt pretty awful for about 6 or so days, lost my sense of smell and taste for a day or two, but otherwise was okay; I consider myself lucky and I credit all of the many COVID vaccines I received for making this illness very unserious. 
• I have been on and off various diets and eating plans over the past year (while training for Boston I didn't follow any special diet and didn't allow myself to think about a weight loss plan, as that is not healthy or helpful when training for a race of that magnitude - but after I finished the marathon I decided to get back to working on my weight loss goals), all without much success - and then in October 2022 I started learning about intermittent fasting, and since then I have been following that lifestyle. I absolutely LOVE it, as it means I no longer have to count calories, track what I eat, avoid certain foods or food groups, calculate points, take supplements, or starve myself. There's a lot of great science behind intermittent fasting and for me personally it has helped with my blood sugar, the quality of my food choices, my hunger and satiety cues, and most importantly, my relationship with food. I spent my whole adult life fretting over what I am allowed and not allowed to eat, and if I ate something unhealthy I would spend hours or even days beating myself up over it. With intermittent fasting I no longer think that way - basically I eat during a specific window of time each day (anywhere from 4 hours to 12 hours, depending on the day and what my body needs - yes, it changes all the time) and during that window of time, I can eat what I want. When my "eating window" is closed, then that's it, no food or drinks other than coffee or water. It's so simple yet so effective, and I have never felt healthier and more free when it comes to food. 
• My father-in-law had quadruple bypass surgery in the middle of January 2023 and since then I have been actively working on improving the quality of food I put into my own body. Watching what he went through shook me up and got me thinking about my own heart health (as well as the health of my family). Since January 19, 2023, I have stopped eating all meat except for fish and I have increased my intake of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and beans. I'm not always healthy (last night I had tater tots loaded with cheese for dinner - yum), but I am trying to eat healthily 80% of the time. Also, something I discovered when I cut out red meat and chicken from my diet is that I don't have as many headaches as I used to. I am looking into the correlation to see if there is any validity to it (or if it's just a coincidence), but in the meantime I am happy to have this as a positive side effect of being meatless/pescatarian.
• On February 26, 2023 (one day before my 45th birthday) I hit a new milestone in my sobriety: 1,000 consecutive days alcohol-free! In mid-June I will reach 1,111 days and since I love the 1111 number sequence, I am definitely going to celebrate that achievement when it comes.

From a health and wellness perspective, that about sums up everything that happened to me over the past year. I abandoned writing for a while, as you can see, but I am planning to get back at it from here on out. Not because I think you, dear reader, need to read and know my every thought - but because from a mental health perspective it feels good to write and share. If you enjoy reading about my health journey, then good news for you, more is coming! If you don't, that's okay, too. I'll still be here. Pop in to read more if you want. Or don't. It's all good.

To be continued...😀

Hope Springs Eternal

Let me be real for a minute -

Marathon training can be pretty brutal. It's an emotional journey to say the least. Some days I feel amazing, other days I wonder why I decided to do this at all. Lots of things have an impact on my training days - weather, how well I ate the day before, how stressed I am about work (or anything else), my hydration, my attitude before I start my workout, and my emotional state are just a few factors that can influence whether I have a good run or a bad run.

So yeah, lots of things come into play when it comes to running. As I said, training is an emotional journey.

Yesterday I had a bad run. I was supposed to run 20 miles and I only did 11. I let the pain and exhaustion get into my head as I was running and I suddenly felt like I couldn't take going for another 9 miles. I got very emotional once I decided to stop and I started mentally beating myself up for not reaching the goal set out to complete. I spent the rest of the day feeling depressed and frustrated and the whole thing ended up putting me in a bad emotional spiral, where I questioned every decision I have made in the last 2 years. 

It was rough.

But when I woke up today, I felt better. Optimistic, even. After a good night's sleep, I awoke with a clear head, and realized the spiral I was in the day before was totally temporary, and that I allowed my negative lower brain voice to get the best of me. 

And so I decided to do something I don't normally do the day after a long run - I went out for another run. The weather was warm and the sky was clear and I was in the exact right headspace to hit the pavement. I didn't complete the 9 miles I missed the day before (I didn't want to risk hurting myself by going that long of a distance the day after a long run), but I did complete 2 miles and I felt really good about it. Thanks to that quick follow-up run, I was able to end my weekend on a high note.

I have had many training days over the last 9 weeks where I wondered to myself if I made the right decision signing up to run Boston. Do I have what it takes? My God, what if it takes me 8 hours to finish? What if I hurt myself during the race? What if I am too old to be doing a race of this magnitude now? What if I am too overweight to finish this race? What if I am not pushing myself hard enough in my training - or what if I push too hard? What if what if what if...?

Every time I hit the treadmill, the rail trail, or the street for a run, I have to overcome all of those worried doubting thoughts that race through my mind. Most days I am good and I can squash them with optimism and good energy. I also keep reminding myself that I may not be a fast runner and I can't really control that, but I can control how much time, effort, and discipline I put into my training, - so I just focus on that. But every now and then, the negative worries seep in and are hard to shake.

So I will just keep plugging along and do what I can to stay positive and optimistic for the remainder of my training journey. Less than a month remaining until the big day. Eeek!

Today was the first day of spring and as I finished my 2 miler on the rail trail, I spotted some branches with early signs of green sprouting on them:

A little sign from nature that just when you think winter will swallow you whole - spring arrives, ready to flourish and bring life back into the world. I will remember that the next time I find myself in the midst of a bad run. The bad thoughts and negative feelings will pass, they always do, and another good run is waiting for me, just around the corner.

Hope springs eternal. 💜⚘

Two Year Pandemic Anniversary & Feeling Gratitude

As I am writing this, we are approaching the 2-year anniversary of the US COVID-19 shutdown/start of the global pandemic.

Wow, let's just reflect on that for a minute. Two years...damn if that wasn't the longest and fastest 2 years ever - am I right?

Anyway...

I was all prepared to write a little something about "the things COVID took from me" today. But as I opened up this page, I changed my mind. Instead of obsessing on what we lost, on everything bad that happened in the last 2 years, on all of the darkness and struggle, I have decided to focus on what I have gained in all of this mess.

So what did I gain? In a word - perspective.

From the shutdown/lockdown to being temporarily unemployed to being afraid for my health and my life to watching people turn virus prevention (mask mandates and vaccines) into a raging political agenda, I gained a lot perspective on what was important in life. I started taking charge of my physical and mental health in a way I never did before. I began to truly appreciate time spent with loved ones. And I got better at "staying in my own lane" and focusing on what needed to be done for myself and my family, regardless of what others around me were doing. My respect for scientists, doctors, and other clinical professionals who care for the health of others dramatically increased as well - I always looked up to these folks, but the pandemic really shined a spotlight on how amazing and important they are. 

I also decided to stop drinking during the pandemic - and I stopped for good. Before the pandemic I had dabbled in sobriety off and on, taking long breaks without alcohol to test the waters and see what life was like without the blurriness of booze. But inevitably I always ended up back with a bottle of something in my hand, trying to numb myself from the challenges of life. If it weren't for the deep struggles of depression and anxiety that I experienced during the height of the pandemic, I don't know where I would be right now in my relationship with alcohol. Not drinking for the last 21+ months has given me the greatest perspective of all - one full of clarity and awareness. It gave me a second chance to live life the way I was always meant to - feeling everything, good and bad. 💗 And being completely present.

Health anxiety has always been a struggle for me and unfortunately the pandemic made it a great deal worse, but all I can feel today is grateful. Oh don't get me wrong, I spent a long long time feeling bitter over these last 2 years. I also felt resentful and mad, too - especially in 2020. Even last year at this time, as we commemorated the 1 year anniversary of the pandemic, I wasn't feeling quite so grateful. There was a lot to be bitter, resentful, and mad about. But a lot has happened, and one thing I know for certain is that as tough as everything has been for me personally for the last 2 years, I still have love in my heart, and in my life, and that is what got me through - and continues to get me through, each and everyday.

So I could have written a long post about the things COVID took from me, it would be easy to compose something like that. But haven't we had enough negativity? It's time to put some good energy out into the universe. I am ready to let go of my anger and bitterness. I'm not suggesting we simply forget what we've been through, or dismiss the struggles and heartbreak. But it's been a long 2 years, and I am ready for the next chapter.

All I need is a little perspective. And of course:

I'm running The Boston Marathon this year. Yes, for real. And here is my story.

Let's all be honest: it's been a very long 2 years. 

In March 2020, the world shut down due to COVID, and for most people, "normal life" came to a screeching halt.

It was weird. And scary. And super confusing. I don't need to tell you, you were there.

Everyone handled it differently - for me, something inside shifted. Already an anxious person, our "new normal" that began in 2020 had a profound effect on me. I sheltered in place, and really haven't stopped doing so since then. Sure, I get out a little. I go into the office when I need to. I can do what needs to be done and I'd say for the most part, I am functioning okay, but mentally I have not come close to returning to my "old normal". 

Let's put it this way: I can count on one hand how many social engagements I have attended/how many times I have gone out to be with people outside of my household/immediate family in the last year.

Yeah, that's real.

At the end of 2021 I came to the realization that this is not very healthy for me. While it's obviously important to be careful when COVID numbers are high and reduce risk outside of your household, what's going on with me runs a lot deeper than that. My mental health has been greatly impacted by the pandemic. I barely leave my house these days; if I get in my car twice a week, that's a lot. The world has always been a scary place, but the pandemic brought me to a new level of anxiety that is sometimes hard to articulate. What it comes down to is that I feel safer in my home, with my immediate family, than I do anywhere else.

While that's understandable (and believe me when I say my family has been more than understanding), it's not healthy. I need to do better for myself.

As last year came to a close, I made a pact with myself to be healthier in 2022. Not the whole "new year, new me" BS we always see in the media, but a more mindful, honest effort to take care of my physical health, as well as my mental health. And so I sent in a fundraising application to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute with the hopes of getting the opportunity to help them raise money for cancer research, and to support the cause by running the 126th Boston Marathon in April.

Uh, THAT escalated quickly.

Yup, sure did. As you may recall, in July of 2021 I announced to the world that I was retiring from running. But within a couple of months from that sweeping declaration, I was back to running again. Because, as it turns out, running eases my pain. It helps my anxiety. It gives me peace. And it gives me something to strive for.

Running makes me feel alive.

Shortly after submitting my application to Dana Farber for a spot in the marathon in 2022, I had to have a biopsy done for a cyst that was discovered during a routine mammogram. Naturally I was terrified throughout the entire ordeal. I promised myself that if the cyst was benign, and I was offered a spot with the Dana Farber marathon team, I would accept it. And if the cyst was cancerous, I would face it head-on and show no mercy. I was scared, but determined. Either way, I had a plan. 

Shortly after my biopsy I received the thrilling news from my doctor that the cyst in my right breast was benign, and then a week later I received more thrilling news from Dana Farber that I was accepted on their fundraising/marathon team.

Holy crap. I am raising money for cancer research and running the flipping Boston Marathon!? Can I even do this? 

Believe me when I say that I keep asking myself that question, over and over again.

Not long after I was offered the chance to join Dana Farber's marathon team, I saw this quote online:

And I remembered why I originally applied to join the marathon team in the first place: I wanted to care about something again. I wanted to focus on something important that was non-COVID-related. I wanted to push myself a little outside my comfort zone so I could feel alive again. I wanted to be part of something that was bigger than me.

I wanted to take back my mental health by doing good for others, and for me.

Sure, fundraising several thousands of dollars, marathon training, and running the marathon itself are all pretty scary. But you know what's scarier? Facing a cancer diagnosis - people do that every single day. It's also scarier to be so mentally unwell that nothing feels like it matters anymore; being numb and depressed at the same time is downright scary, I know this firsthand. Not having the drive to leave your house is scary. The last 2 years have been scary.

So I said yes to Dana Farber. I said yes to helping fight cancer. And I said yes to taking back my life. 

If you'd like to help support me in this journey, please visit my fundraising page or contact me directly at harrisfp@gmail.com for more info. 

You'll be hearing more from me on all of this soon. 😀Thank you in advance for your support!

From Me to You: 3 Important Things to Know About Weight Loss & Health

What can I say about weight loss?

It's a thing almost every adult has had to contend with at some point in their lives. Some struggle with it, others barely need to think about it, but overall it's a THING - right? Obesity is on the rise and it's no secret that it impacts our health, causing heart disease, diabetes, and even being linked to cancer.

I am currently about 35 pounds away from being at what's considered (medically) to be a healthy weight. And after 43+ years on this earth, I feel like I have learned a few things - a lot of bumpy experiences can provide a great deal of education. 😏After a lot of trial and error in the weight loss department, I finally feel like I am getting a handle on it, and I wanted to share some of what I have learned. I know I am not a health coach or an expert in this area, but I do have a lot of life experience, and I am hoping that by sharing some of my wisdom, I might help others out there who are like me! Just regular people who want to be healthier, trying to figure it out day by day.

1 - If you can't picture eating a certain way for the rest of your life, it won't work as a weight loss plan. Fad diets and super restrictive eating sometimes render results, and often do so quickly, but they are not sustainable. I have done basically every diet out there and I will tell you this: if I had to spend the rest of my life never eating bread or pasta ever again, I'd honestly rather not eat at all. Any time I have done a diet that told me certain foods were completely off limits, it worked for a very short period of time, but eventually I'd be missing and feeling deprived of whatever food was off limits. Now, that being said, sometimes people have a medical condition that requires them to remove certain things from their diets, that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about telling yourself you can't ever have a piece of cake on your birthday ever again because it's "bad" food; I'm talking about telling yourself you need to remove bananas from your morning cereal because they are too high in carbohydrates (or removing all fruit from your diet because of the sugar and carbs); I'm talking about beating yourself up over food and assigning "good" and "bad" labels to them. That is disordered thinking and it can lead to disordered eating and self-destructive behavior. Also, one of the biggest reasons people gain weight back after they lose it is because whatever fad diet or restrictive eating habits they do to lose the weight are only sustainable on the short term - as soon as the weight is lost, they go back to eating the way they used to before the diet, and then the weight comes back on. If you can't imagine spending the rest of your life counting calories and carbs or not eating a piece of bread, then don't do it to lose weight. It just won't work.

2 - Beware of diet programs and eating plans that don't account for behavior and psychology. Something I have learned in all my experience with weight loss and eating plans is that if you don't factor in the reasons why people overeat or why they struggle with weight loss at all, then the behavior likely won't change. And while everyone's story is different, at the heart of it we are all human and behavior change is often stressful and difficult for most people - that's normal. One size does not fit all, you can have the perfect formula for weight loss (eat x calories per day and exercise for x minutes per week to lose x pounds per month), but you would be missing something really important - how people feel. A program (or coach) that offers emotional, behavioral, and psychological support in a person's health journey is a program that gets what it means to be human. If you ignore what's going on in someone's head consciously and subconsciously, you are ignoring who they are and what makes them act the way that they do.

3 - Stick to what feels right, what fuels your body and soul, and leave the rest. It has taken me a long time to realize this, but not feeling well is too big of a price for anything. This is why I decided to stop drinking alcohol. As I entered my 40s, I started to understand how vital it is to be healthy and to feel good. I spent too many years enduring hangovers and poor sleep and it made me feel like crap most of the time. Once I started taking care of myself more, I started to really know what feeling well felt like. And once I got a taste of THAT, I didn't ever want to go back to feeling crappy. The same is true with nutrition. When I eat junky food, I feel junky. So now I try to limit that stuff and strike a good balance with whole nutritious foods. But that doesn't mean sugary treats or potato chips are off limits (per my first point about not restricting or eliminating food for the sake of weight loss), it just means I need to lean into how I am feeling physically to help guide me in my eating plan. It also means not compromising my health for the sake of weight loss - no diet supplements/shakes/pills, starving myself, or eating "franken-foods" designed to look healthy while being full of chemicals. 

As I said earlier, I'm not even at my "goal weight" yet (btw, a goal weight should be whatever fits your life and will help you be the healthiest version of you (including your mental health), and that could very well be the weight you are at now!), so I am definitely not a guru in this area; however, I feel confident I am now on the right path for my health and wellness, and I hope some of this advice I shared in this post may help someone out there who needs it. It took me a long time to figure this all out and I am glad to share my experience.

I wish you well in your health journey, wherever you may be! 💕

My Retirement from Running

I have had a love-hate relationship with running since I first started back in 2006. But as up and down as my time with running has been, I always enjoyed it more than I disliked it. Always. 

That's basically true for anything I do in life. I have this personal policy of doing what feels good, and if it stops feeling good, then I let it go. 

Jobs, relationships, hobbies, anything - as long I like them at least 1% more than not liking them, I stick to them. But if that switch should flip, then I re-evaluate as needed.

I'm all for sticking to a challenge and seeing it through, but I also refuse to repeatedly feel mental or physical distress for long stretches of time. I don't see it as quitting, but instead I think of it as being mindful of what my body and mind both need, and taking heed of that. It's a deliberate act of not ignoring the glaringly obvious signs in front of me saying, "STOP!" 

Letting go of what doesn't feel right for me is a way for me to show myself kindness and compassion, something I am getting better at doing for myself more and more as I get older. 

So back to running...as I said before, up until now I always enjoyed it more than I didn't. That's what kept me going and what kept me signing up for and running long distance races. I couldn't possibly have completed 4 full marathons, 5 half marathons, and countless other distances if I didn't enjoy running. For me, I was into it physically and mentally - but if I ever lost one or the other, I knew my running days would probably be over.

Which brings me to today. I have been trying to train for the upcoming Falmouth Road Race taking place in August of this year, and the struggle has been real, my friends. While I did run a bit in 2020 during lockdown (all virtual races, of course - including a half marathon and a full marathon), trying to get back to regular running this year has been extremely painful.

And it hit me today as I attempted to run 2 miles: I don't want to do this anymore. I now officially dislike running more than I like it. Make no mistake, running has never been easy for me as I am not athletically built/trained/skilled, but even when it was hard, it was still always fun for me. I mostly did it for the bragging rights, but I also liked how I felt when I ran; it was a form of meditation for me. Running got me outside of my head for a while, and there are very few things out there that can do that.

For the last 3 weeks of attempting to get my butt in gear to train for this 7-mile race on the Cape, I couldn't figure out why I was struggling. It wasn't just feeling physically difficult whenever I went for a run, but it also felt like my brain was screaming "NO!" every single time. But I kept trying...I figured maybe I have been feeling tired lately, or feeling resistant because the weather has been hot and humid, or maybe it's the trail I am running on, perhaps I need a change in scenery. So I kept switching up the time of day I would run, where I would run, the distance. I ran on cool days and warm days. I ran and ran and ran even though I kept thinking, "I don't want to run". 

As the great Kenny Rogers once said, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em". It finally occurred to me today that I am ready to fold 'em. The reason I haven't been able to get back into running again is because...my running days might be over.

I vaguely remember telling people in my life in years past that I was ready to give up running, but I never felt done with it then - just in need of a break. And I'd take long breaks from doing it and then eventually feel refreshed and ready to give it a shot again.

So what's different now? 

Well, for one thing, I'm older. My body is still physically strong but it doesn't quite bounce back as resiliently as it used to. When I run any distance now, I feel it for days. And it's not a satisfying soreness that makes me feel proud, like it used to. It's a "man I feel older than my 43 years today" kind of pain. 

Also, I am just in a place mentally and emotionally now where running no longer helps me feel good - instead I enjoy taking 2-3 mile walks every day while I listen to podcasts. That's kind of my jam. And I have been on a hiatus from yoga for a few months, but that activity also offers me the time and space I need to feel well physically and mentally - more so than running does now.

In short, running just isn't doing it for me anymore. I love the glory of completing a difficult race (and let's face it, they were all difficult for the most part), but not enough to keep going.

Back to my earlier statement about letting go of what no longer suits me...I know it's time to let go of running. I asked myself today if I might run the Falmouth Road Race this year and then officially retire from running after crossing that finish line, but I struggled to even complete a mile this morning during my run; the very thought of running 7 miles feels as daunting as a full marathon now. 

My head and heart are just not in it.

If I were running on behalf of a charity, I would absolutely plan to do the race in August (even if it meant walking it), but since the only person counting on me to do that race is, well, me, I am okay with rescinding my decision to run that race. Because who really benefits from me pushing myself to do something I really don't want to do?

So my retirement from running officially begins today.

I wanted to write about this today not to explain my complicated relationship with running or to justify why I am not going to do it anymore, but instead to shine a light on how important it is for us all to listen to our hearts, minds, and bodies. It can be tough to know when to stick to something even when you're struggling and when to let go and step away altogether. My advice is this: don't ever shy away from a challenge, but also, don't stay too long at the party either.

You've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Always do what's right for you (only you know what that is), and stay healthy, my friends. 💕

Me & All of the Many Medals I Earned
During My Illustrious Running Days

My Toxic Relationship with Facebook - Part 3 - Conclusion & Final Thoughts

It has now been a little over 2 months since I last went onto Facebook. Let's pause for a moment to celebrate that:

I'm pretty happy not being on there now. And I find a weird satisfaction with telling people that I am "taking a break from Facebook". Every time I say this to someone, they almost always nod and say something along the lines of, "I understand" - and what's happening more and more are the number of people who have shared with me that they too are off of Facebook, either temporarily or permanently.

A lot of my feelings about social media have changed since I started this break from Facebook in early January. I no longer feel like it is a lifeline to friends and family and I feel like I have forged my own lifelines to those I am closest with. Stepping off of Facebook didn't isolate me like I originally worried that it would, it actually made me feel more connected. I also no longer feel a burden to share so much of my life with people I am not very close with. 

Facebook was always a double-edged sword for me: a non-stop connection to friends, family, acquaintances, and co-workers that made me think I was being seen and heard (even when I really wasn't), but it was also a big heavy weight of guilt and obligation laid upon me with every scroll, with every "like" I gave someone, & with every comment I shared on someone else's post - I felt like I had to give my time and energy to Facebook, and as a result I gave too much.

Will I ever go back to Facebook? I don't know. For now I am content being removed from that environment. It feels right to continue this extended break. I guess I will keep at it until my feelings change (if they should change).

Before I end this 3-part series, let me leave you with a few last musings (sort of like when Jerry Springer would end his circus of a show with his "meaningful" Final Thought segment):

• If something, anything, feels like it is taking up too much space in your life, don't be afraid to set it aside and take a break from it to see how you feel.
• It's never too late to start over. And there is no shame in starting over.
• Change is hard but you don't need to continue doing something just because that's what you have always done...don't be afraid to take a chance on a new adventure!
• If the phrase "there's got to be a better way" always seems to pop up, that means there probably IS a better way. Work on finding what it is.
• You are responsible for your own happiness; if you are not happy in your life, your job, or on social media, you have the power to make a change, don't wait for an outside force to fix it for you. This quote is one of my favorites: "Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing."
• And never forget - what your friends and family are posting on social media is not real - it's their highlight reel...don't compare your life to what you see on your feed.

Hey, spring is almost here...let's all get outside and enjoy the fresh air. If you are fully vaccinated, start making some plans to visit with other vaccinated people soon so we can all start feeling normal again. Of course please keep wearing masks and washing hands, let's keep protecting those who need protection. And most importantly, get off of your phone and enjoy the day! 💗