“By seeking and blundering we learn.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I have a confession to make: I am human and I make mistakes.
WHAT?!
That’s right friends, you heard it here first: Despite all
evidence to the contrary, I am not
perfect. I know you are shocked and maybe even a little disappointed. But
it’s true – I am flawed.
Of course I am being facetious since obviously no one is
concerned with how flawed or flawless I am, but the truth is that no one is
harder on me than me. I am a total perfectionist and when I make a mistake (and
it happens often), I get pretty angry with myself. It often creates an
indescribable storm inside my head that pushes me into a tug of war between depression
and anxiety. I have lived my whole life trying to come to terms with the fact
that I am not perfect and it is an ongoing battle. But I am getting better at
accepting my imperfections.
That being said, I’d like to share a story with you.
In mid-April I was in a car accident. I was completely
unharmed, as was the other driver who was involved with the accident.
Unfortunately my car was totaled and I was pretty devastated about that (I get
very attached to my vehicles and that car was definitely my favorite). But life
goes on, right? More than anything I was/am sincerely grateful that no one was
injured and the other driver’s car wasn’t even scratched (she clearly had a
more robust vehicle than I did).
About a week after that accident I went on vacation with my
family, and while on vacation I decided to have a couple of beers (as you may recall
from my previous blog post, until that point in time, I was actually choosing
to abstain from alcohol for various health reasons). At the time I rationalized
that I was on vacation and deserved a couple of drinks. Then I had a couple
more drinks after I got home from my vacation, because I was still trying to
maintain that good, relaxed feeling. And then last weekend I went on a pub
crawl with some friends, which led to even more drinks, because it was Cinco de
Mayo and, well, I felt like celebrating. These were all choices I made; I was
in full control of my decisions, just as I was in full control when I chose NOT
to drink. I’m an adult and I can do whatever I want – right? Well, yeah, but…
As soon as I resumed consuming alcohol after having a period
of abstinence, I noticed some things about my health: my headaches returned, my
acid reflux came back, my skin broke out, and my anxiety became considerably less
manageable. Surprise, surprise – I proved myself right – alcohol consumption, whether in small or large quantities, does not play nice with my system. In fact, it completely throws
off my equilibrium both mentally and physically. And it thrusts me into a loop
that I strongly dislike: I consume alcohol to relax, and I end up feeling more
anxious, so then I consume alcohol to relax, and I end up feeling more anxious…it
goes on and on. To me, it’s just not worth it to feel this lousy. Plus, when I
feel this unhealthy, I stop exercising and eating well too.
And we can’t have that happening on top of everything else!
Quite honestly, looking back on this past month, I think the
real reason I decided to step away from my "non-drinker status" was to cope with
the stress and frustration of my car accident. Sure, I was “on vacation” when I
gave in and had a couple of beers, but I can be on vacation and not have alcohol. I can do anything sober and still enjoy myself (I went to a beer festival last month and was the
designated driver for my friends - and it didn't suck at all. So if I can hang out for 4 hours at a beer
festival, drink water the whole time, and have fun - then I can do anything
without booze!). So when I decided I wanted to have a couple of drinks on vacation
and the weeks following that vacation, I was going through something. I realize that now.
Remember what I said earlier about being flawed? And about
how I often get pissed at myself for being flawed? That car accident I was in was an error I
can’t take back and it is one that cost me a car that I loved. And it cost me some money too. Even though
the accident wasn’t technically my fault (it was a wrong place, wrong time situation), I was still left with that angry storm
in my head, and I was quite busy beating myself up over it. And in an effort to relax
some of that storm in my head, I ignored what I knew was good for me. Flawed
humans sometimes do that, I hear. J
Now that I realize the real reason I gave up on my
non-drinker status this past month, I know I need to get better at giving
myself a break once in a while. Perhaps I should try treating myself the same
way I treat others – with a great deal of open-mindedness, compassion,
and forgiveness. And I need to get back
to focusing on healthy ways to cope with stress. Running is my favorite way to
cope with everything, and so that is exactly what I have been doing this week
(and will continue to do going forward). I ran 2 miles this morning before work and you have no idea how great I feel.
Even though this past month was a little rough for me, I am
glad I went through this. We can’t necessarily undo our mistakes and as humans
we are all bound to make them once in a while, so the best we can do is learn
from our experiences and try to do better next time. I have learned a lot about my health over the last
couple of months, particularly where alcohol is concerned. I know I don't need alcohol to cope with difficult emotions anymore...and after a little trial and error, I now know that I am the best me when I embrace life as a non-drinker. I feel like Dorothy when she was told she always had the power to get home from Oz.
And now that I have this knowledge, what will I do with it?
The answer is simple: move on, make healthier choices in the future, and forgive
myself for the mistakes I may make. It's all I can do.
