I Don't Have My Shit Together...And That's Okay

First, she gave up alcohol. The girl was unhappy in a big way, and she was certain alcohol was the root of her suffering. And after removing alcohol from her system, she did feel better physically, but mentally she was still discontent.

Next, she gave up sugar and flour. After doing a lot of research on healthy diet and its connection to mental wellness, she was certain that sugar and flour (and alcohol) were the root of her suffering. Remove those toxins and she shall be free! And after removing sugar and flour from her daily diet, along with alcohol, she did feel even better physically (and she started to lose those extra pounds she has been carrying for some time), but mentally she was still discontent.

And then she gave up caffeine. The girl's anxiety was still plaguing her, even after changing much of her daily food and drink consumption, and she was certain that caffeine (and sugar, flour, and alcohol) were the root of her suffering. And after removing caffeine from her system (for the most part), along with the aforementioned additives and alcohol, she did feel a lot less anxious, but yet she was still discontent.

The girl wondered, "Why oh why am I still discontent after making so many positive physical changes in my life?"

Ah, the answer is easy, my friends: while alcohol, sugar, flour, and caffeine can all have negative effects on one's body, especially if one is in the habit of consuming these things in excess, they are not the root of the girl's suffering at all. Instead, they were all vehicles in which the girl channeled her discontent. Simply put: they were not the problem, but symptoms of the problem.

In the last couple of months I have started studying yoga philosophy and have begun practicing meditation regularly. Doing so has really had an impact on me. And I decided to take this new approach to my health because I realized after 7 months of being alcohol-free, 3 months being sugar and flour-free, and 1 month being (mostly) caffeine-free, that the source of my discontent was inside of me, not inside a beer bottle or a piece of cake or a coffee mug. You can cut out every toxic substance in the world from your diet and take your vitamins everyday, but doing that won't fix the issues you have in your head. So now I am working on that. 

I did already knew all of this before I started my health journey last August, but I think I needed to separate out the symptoms from the problem first before I could see it clearly. I needed to step away from my traditional coping mechanisms (drinking and eating) for a significant period of time in order to see that my coping mechanisms weren't causing my discontent at all. In the fog of my unhappiness, I couldn't see which way was up. And so I needed to clear some of that mess away in order to get my head on straight. 

For the record, I don't claim to have life all figured out. Not even close. I definitely do not have my shit together. Truthfully, I'm kind of a mess. But right now, at this juncture, I feel totally okay about that. Six months ago I did not feel okay about that, I thought I needed to get it all in line asap and be amazing and healthy and then everything would fall magically into place. Being a mess made me feel lost and out of control. Um, hello, the whole point of life is the journey of figuring your shit out, right? It's all about the lessons, man. It's not about me trying to take control of every single thing and get it all right on the first try. If I had life all figured out now at age 41, wouldn't that be so frigging boring? I think it would. If I had my shit together I'd miss out on the entire human experience in all of its crazy, awful, awesome chaos.

Hold the phone, break-through moment: did I just let go and accept what is? Holy cow. 

I am proud to say I am making big strides on my mental health and wellness, meditation and yoga have done wonders for me and I am in such a good place now. As I said before, I don't have it all figured out, but I do feel like I am on a good path. And I have started letting up on some the extremes in my life. People always say "everything in moderation". In fact, that was something I used to say jokingly when I was not eating or drinking in moderation. 😊But it's really true - I am starting to see that the key to my own contentment in life is to find a balance in everything and to do more of what is good and right for me and the world and less of what is bad and wrong. And to accept myself as I am. Sounds like an oversimplification, but for me it works. 

Yes, for the most part I am continuing to live a healthy lifestyle, still working on losing weight, still trying not to consume too much of the "bad stuff", but if I want to indulge in something decadent once in a while, whether it's a tall craft beer or a piece of chocolate cake, I give myself permission to do that.

Balance, my friends. ✌

Mental Health Pro-Tip: Don't Let Social Media Define Your Self Worth

I have a confession to make. I recently did something that I never thought I would do: I allowed social media to affect my self-esteem. Insert shocked emoji face here. I mean, I am 41 years old. I am a grown-up for goodness sake. My self worth should not ever be based on how many "likes" I get on Facebook, but yet, here I am, confessing that very thing. 

I did not grow up with the internet. The first time I ever laid eyes on the "web" was Freshman year of college in 1996 when a librarian tried to teach me how to use search engines to do research for English class. I remember thinking to myself, "Psshht, I'll never use that". Meanwhile, now in 2019 I probably use Google at least a dozen times a day for work alone, never mind for leisure. Shows how much I knew in 1996. Anyway, getting back to my point - I knew life before the internet and before social media. I didn't start using email until I graduated college and got my first job. I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 25, and it was a flip phone without a texting plan. In fact, I didn't even get a smart phone until 2011, so internet and social media weren't always at my fingertips. I even had a MySpace account - it doesn't get more retro than that, right? So you could say that for a majority of my life, technology was not at the top of my list of "things that are important to me". In fact, technology was barely on my radar until about 10 years ago when I first joined Facebook.

It's no secret that social media has a lot of pros: it allows me to stay connected to friends and family (even if we live far away from one another), it provides a 24/7/365 connection to people all over the world, it helps me stay on top of pop culture and important news, and it gives me an outlet to share photos, articles, personal blog posts (like this one), and other things I feel are important. The con is that social media can also inundate us with information, both good and bad, and it can be hard to be on the receiving end of all of that. And because social media gives us that 24/7/365 connection to people all over the world, it literally is a never ending cycle of sharing, posting, liking, tweeting, commenting, blogging, snapchatting, and God knows what else. So it's up to us to know when to step away and take a break, and it isn't always easy to do that.

In fact, I am currently on a social media break right now. This time, though, it's because I started noticing I was caring too much about the "likes" I was getting on Facebook, and it was actually affecting my self-esteem. It pains me to even admit that, because in my opinion it's a silly thing to care about. But before you judge me as a superficial weirdo, allow me to explain myself. 

I recently shared something personal on Facebook that I felt was a really big deal. I debated on whether or not I should share it and it took over a week for me to decide. So in my mind, this post that I shared with my friends was both personal and important. I definitely did not expect all 195 of my friends on Facebook to comment or cheer about what I wrote, but I also didn't expect only 2 people to "like" the post either. It kind of crushed me a little. Now, I know that Facebook has a crazy algorithm that dictates what people see or don't see on their newsfeeds, and I also know that many people don't log onto Facebook as frequently as I do, so it is quite possible that most people I am friends with on that site didn't even see my post. And the ones who did see it and scrolled past it, perhaps it wasn't a topic of interest or the post was too long to bother with. Just because I thought the post was important doesn't mean it was important to everyone else, I get that. And no one could have known how personal it was to me, they are not inside my head. But still, it affected me. Because as it turns out, I am human. Damn that human emotion. 

I let myself bum out over this for a hot minute, then I decided to take a break from social media for a while. Not because I am "taking my ball and going home" so-to-speak - more because if I care that much about people liking my Facebook posts, then I clearly need a big fat timeout from social media. Time to get my priorities in order, my friends.

Just before I decided to take a break from social media I received an unexpected private message on Facebook from a person in a closed group I belong to. She said that even if people don't like or comment on things I post online, she and many others are reading what I share and they are proud of me for putting myself out there. I have never spoken to this woman before and this was the first time she ever reached out to me. I was so touched and the support from this stranger was so kind and reaffirming. It made me realize that I was totally allowing social media to define my self-worth. I was superficially looking at "likes" on Facebook as if they defined the love I have in real life and that was crazy. 

We are so much more than the number of friends we have on Facebook. Or the number of followers we have on Twitter or Instagram. We're more loved in this world than any number of "likes" on social media could ever provide. We are not defined by the highlight reel on our newsfeed. We are defined by the love we give and the love we accept every day from the people in our lives. Just know that if we are friends on social media and I inadvertently scrolled past something you posted that was meaningful or personal, it does not mean I don't care. I see you, my friend. And I support and love you, in real life. 💓

Taking a break from social media allows me a chance to get back to basics a little, and I need that right now. Back to a time when I connected with people on a more meaningful level. Back to a time when technology wasn't a top priority. Back to a time when I enjoyed the moment I was in and didn't feel the need to take a picture to post on Instagram. Back to a time when I knew myself and didn't need to rely on Facebook "likes" to feel like I accomplished something. 

But I won't go back to the time when I thought search engines were useless. Because that's just stupid. 😄