I'm going to say something a little off the subject of health, wellness, and running. Although one could argue that this topic actually does fall under the category of mental health. I'm here today to talk about faith, belief, religion, and Santa Claus.
Hopefully I haven't lost you yet. If you hang in there, I promise to get to my point quickly. I just really have something to say on this subject.
I wasn't raised with any religion and for some reason, my lack of religious affiliation made me search for it once I became old enough to understand the basic concept of God and faith. I felt lost for a long time. Not being any religion in particular, I felt a little on the outside. Like everyone else was in a special club and I wasn't invited to join in.
Not long after my children were born (when I was in my late 20s/early 30s) I began researching religions of the world, most specifically narrowing my focus on Judaism and Christianity. I attended churches and temples of all kinds. I watched the congregants participating in their rituals of worship and wondered why none of it felt like it fit for me. I also worried for my kids: would they too grow up feeling lost?
You may wonder why this all mattered so much to me. At first I think religion was more of a fascination and curiosity than anything. As previously mentioned, I wanted to know what was so special about these clubs I wasn't allowed into. But as I got older, it became much more than that - it was an issue of finding peace with life and its meaning. It was about knowing and believing there is something greater out there.
I thought I might never resolve this great issue in my life - and then in the last year I feel like I finally found what I was looking for.
I was dealing with a lot of mental health struggles last year at this time and in a moment of desperation, I started attending a local church in my town. I didn't know if it would help, but I figured I had nothing to lose.
At first when I started attending the weekly service, I again watched the congregants like I was on the outside looking in. I realize now that is why I never found a religion or congregation that I felt comfortable with. I didn't enter the church with an open mind, I entered thinking "I don't belong here". Perception is reality, right?
All of this kind of reminds me of my kids and Santa Claus. My children are firm believers in all things magic and Santa is their number one guy. As a pre-teen, my oldest is starting to get to that age where we might need to break the truth to him soon, as he shows no signs of coming to the conclusion on his own. But yet I hesitate. Why? Because it all starts with an adult telling you there is no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny, and then once you know none of that magic exists, it becomes increasingly harder to believe in anything as you get older.
I want my children to live in a world where they can believe in magic...just for a little while longer. I want them to maintain the perception I lacked for so long, the unwavering faith in things they cannot see or touch.
It all changed for me about 3 weeks ago when I attended a yoga retreat at a spiritual center in Biddeford, Maine. The yoga retreat in itself was amazing and peaceful. But what was the most amazing was how it felt to stay for the weekend in a religious home alongside nuns. We stayed in these small, simple rooms and ate scheduled meals with the sisters that lived onsite. The entire building smelled like a church and there was a sizable crucifix hanging over my bed. When I first arrived, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Then I decided to approach the whole thing with an open mind. I figured the worst that could happen would be that I'd go home with a heck of a story to share.
Once I decided to open my mind and stop thinking of myself as being a woman on the outside or separate from everyone else, I actually felt...at peace. I spent a lot of time reading and walking on the beach (and of course, doing yoga), and I felt the closest to God that I have ever felt in my life. It was like nothing I ever felt before: a calmness of simply knowing there is something bigger than me out there in the universe...and knowing it in my soul with complete certainty, without having any scientific evidence. It's tough to explain, but I don't think it's really meant to be explained. It just is.
After that retreat, attending church services has changed for me. It's no longer an us-them situation when I am there now; it's just us. Believing in something bigger than me does not require a special all-access pass to a secret club. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I always had the power to find my relationship with God and my peace with religion, I just didn't realize it until now. All it requires is an open mind. And a little faith in all things magic.
