Personal Reflections on 2020

I just realized there are only 10 days left of this year. 

What?! 

2020 has simultaneously been both the shortest and longest year ever. 

• Weeks and months have blended together and many days often seem like "Groundhog Day", repeating the same stuff over and over with little to no change. 
• Working from home provides very little socialization and variety in my life (never realized how much I relied on work to socialize with other human beings before!). 
• It's strange to think I have only been physically in my office building 5 times since March 12th. 
• I can barely remember anything that happened this year before March; January and February 2020 feel like they were a lifetime ago.
• And my poor kids have learned all too young what it feels like to sit in front of a computer screen for 6 or more hours a day (I had hoped they wouldn't know what that felt like until they were well into adulthood and needed to do it for a salary to pay their mortgage/rent and put food on the table).

With this year coming to an end quickly (but not quick enough, amiright?), I wanted to reflect on a few things. Because as hideous as much of this year was, for me personally there was a lot of growth and healing. There were many sad moments, scary realizations, uncomfortable situations, and downright weird scenarios - but I feel like I gained more than I lost, even when things felt really bleak. So even though this year was badder than bad, I am still walking away from it (maybe limping away from it is a better phrase) feeling gratitude and strength. 

Yes, it's true, I have become one of those annoying people who finds the silver lining in every cloud. Sorry for that - no wallowing here. I'm at a point now where I refuse to hear terrible news and not immediately search out the lesson, blessing, or tiny bright spot of hope, no matter how teeny tiny it may be. I have found that a silent prayer, a few deep breaths in the still of the morning, or a quick pause to quietly think of 3 things I am grateful for in the moment helps me cope with the tsunami of crazy that has been hitting us all nonstop this year. 

This is what has helped keep me sane in 2020. Hope. Love. Prayers. Gratitude.

And did I mention hope? Yes, lots of it. Hope for better times. Hope for health and happiness. Hope.

Below are some of my personal reflections on 2020. Thank you for taking the time to read this and other stuff I have written over the past year. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, a very Happy New Year, and health, peace, and love in 2021. I feel that good things are coming to all of us very soon. 💕

Feel free to share some of your own reflections with me, I'd love to hear them.

Things I have gotten used to in the last 9+ months (that would have been weird before this year):

• Having a collection of reusable cloth face masks of various patterns and styles
• My family having a "mask rack" by our front door next to our keys
• Not leaving the house without hand sanitizer/always keeping a bottle handy in my purse and in my car
• Running out of hand sanitizer (before this year I don't think I ever finished a bottle before it expired)
• Not being able to buy toilet paper, paper towels, tissues, or napkins for weeks at a time - this was especially true at the beginning of the pandemic and it still seems to happen every few weeks or so, the stores seem to sell out of all paper goods and it can take weeks for them to restock - it's also impossible to get Clorox wipes or any Lysol products, too 
• Having my temperature taken at work, at the dentist, at the blood donation center, at my son's Scout meeting, and at the eye doctor 
• Only being able to enter and exit from one door at my local grocery store (so they can safely and accurately monitor how many customers have entered and exited in order to not exceed a certain number)
• When food shopping, hearing the store announce over the loud speaker how many people are currently inside the building
• Watching the governor give a press conference on a weekly basis (sometimes more frequently depending on what's going on)
• Seeing people walk down the street, in a parking lot, in a store, or really anywhere with a mask and/or face shield on
• Saying to my kids as they head out the door to school, "Don't forget your mask!" or asking my husband as he heads to work if he has a mask with him
• Packing extra paper /disposable masks when we go anywhere, just in case we misplace one of our own or someone we know forgets to bring one
• Stickers on the floors of stores and doctors offices telling you where to stand to remain 6 feet apart from others
• Getting notifications from my kids' schools that their schedule is changing yet again (it changes nearly every week now)
• Going for a run with a mask on

Things I will never get used to:

• People who blatantly dismiss scientists and doctors just because the information they are hearing doesn't align with their wants, needs, or personal/political agendas
• People who confuse basic human rights with politics
• Having to ask people what their stance is on wearing masks and quarantining before deciding if it's safe to see them in person, even when the gathering is outside (spread apart) with masks on
• Having to say no to invitations for in-person events because I feel unsafe or feel my family may be at risk
• Worrying about my parents and all friends and relatives who are older and/or have pre-existing medical conditions that could put them at a higher risk with COVID-19
• Wondering if I made the right decision with allowing my kids to go to school in-person 2 days a week
• Not hugging and kissing extended family in the rare times I have actually seen them in person this year
• Only seeing my friends on Zoom or through Facebook/Instagram photos
• Having to tell my kids yet another thing has been cancelled (traditional/annual family get-togethers, holiday gatherings, trick or treating, etc.) - breaks my heart every time
• Receiving a notification that someone in my family has had close contact with a COVID-positive person
• Taking my kids to have a COVID test (each child had to have a test this year for different reasons at different times, both tests came back negative); it's a very stressful and scary process for them and for me
• Hearing another local business (store, restaurant, etc.) has had to close their doors permanently due to the financial strain during the pandemic

And finally, some good things that happened this year (in no particular order):

• "The Great Conjunction" - Saturn and Jupiter nearly overlapping to form the "Christmas Star" image in our sky on the winter solstice (happening tonight!)
• A vaccine was created and approved for distribution for COVID-19 in under a year - this one still blows my mind - science, man!
• Even though I somehow came in contact with COVID-19 earlier this year, I remained asymptomatic and did not pass it on to any of my family members in my home
• Because I have COVID antibodies, I have been able to donate convalescent plasma to COVID patients multiple times this year to help them recover
• I was put on a 12-week temporary furlough at work in early April, which gave me time and space to get my head together during the height of the first wave of the pandemic and it also gave me the opportunity to fully be there for my kids as they began navigating remote learning for the first time
• I lived at the beach for about a month this summer and it provided me a great deal of quiet and healing that I really really needed
• For a couple of months this year I tried to find peace inside of a beer bottle (many of them, in fact) and instead I found I didn't want or need alcohol in my life anymore; and so May 31st was the last day I had a drink - and I have felt amazing (both physically and mentally) ever since
• I completed a virtual half marathon (along the Cape Cod Canal) and a virtual full marathon (in my hometown); both were quite challenging but extremely rewarding
• I officially joined the church I have been attending for the last 2 years and was given a very warm welcome by the congregation with a special ceremony (before the pandemic began)
• My church hired its first ever female pastor, who will begin leading our congregation in January 2021!
• Even though we sometimes drove each other nuts, being home all the time made it possible for my family to spend more quality time together making meals, watching movies, playing games, and having conversations
• I made my first ever Thanksgiving meal!
• Our family finally got a treadmill and now have ourselves a little home gym so we can get exercise right at home
• Our country elected its first ever female Vice President!!!
• My town has really come together in ways it never did before - decorating our homes for each holiday to brighten each other's spirits, reminding one another on Facebook to support our local restaurants by ordering take out, purchasing curbside popcorn and candy from our local theater this past spring, summer, and fall to help them out financially while they are closed, and continuing to donate non-perishable foods to our local food bank to help families who need it...the list goes on and on, it truly warms my heart to live here.
• After quarantining ourselves and ensuring all precautions for safety, my bff Jessica and I got to spend a weekend together down the Cape in September watching movies, making food, and hanging out at the beach (she is literally the only non-relative friend I have seen in person since the end of February)
• And lastly, we can't forget this: the US safely launched astronauts to the International Space Station on a US-made rocket. The reusable booster did its job and then returned safely, too.

How I am Finding Peace in 2020

We're only a little more than halfway through what many are calling "the worst year ever". I think we can all agree the first 7 months of 2020 have been nothing short of traumatic. I don't need to summarize what's happened so far, we all know. And the craziness continues on as we worry about the health and safety of our children and teachers this fall and not to mention the upcoming presidential election. 

Yikes.

At this point, all we can do is take a few deep breaths and pray things don't get dramatically worse before they get better.

But, despite the insanity that is this year so far, I have actually managed to find a great deal of peace. I've had to dig deep for it (and I have had a few mental breakdowns along the way) but it's there. I think it's important that we all try to find a little peace right now, for hour health and our sanity. Everyone has different ways of coping with trauma, some methods are healthier than others. I personally have done the healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms and have learned a great deal in the process. Whatever you're doing to find peace, just remember we're all human and doing the best we can in this crazy world, so above all else - forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you have made and allow yourself some grace. 

Here are 6 things that are giving me peace these days:

• Not drinking alcohol. I have lived life as a drinker and I have lived life as a non-drinker. I have actually flip-flopped back and forth between the two over the last couple of years and in doing so, I discovered that being a non-drinker is sincerely the most restful, peaceful choice I have ever made about my health. Alcohol makes me depressed and it exacerbates my anxiety, even in small amounts, so I am opting for the non-drinking life and I am truly loving it. Sobriety comes with its own complications, of course...it's not always easy facing life on life's terms, especially when the world feels like it is crumbling around you, but in facing all that scariness head on, I feel like I have become a much stronger person overall. And weirdly enough, walking through these tough times with a clear head actually makes me feel more at peace (and in control) than I felt when I was trying to drowned it out with excessive amounts of beer and wine. This path may not be right for everyone, to each her own, but it is the right path for me.

• Eating healthier but not dieting. I recently have had an awakening when it comes to my diet and  lifelong quest to reach my "goal weight". When the pandemic first started and we went into lockdown/quarantine, I abandoned all healthy eating and exercise. I started consuming loads of junk food as a source of comfort, and as a result I gained nearly 10 pounds over the span of 3 months. When I finally came out of my fog of depression and terror in early June, I was disgusted with how I felt and how I looked. My first instinct was to start dieting and compulsively exercising to work it all off. And after actually trying that for a hot minute, I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to be at war with my body and with food. I can't consume junk food in excess and think I am going to feel good, but I also need to be realistic and not shame myself into a restricted diet either. I am 42 years old and I am tired of not loving my body. I am tired of punishing myself by compulsively exercising. I am tired of weighing myself daily or even weekly and then letting the number on the scale determine my mood. This is all destructive behavior that never leads to a good place and it's mentally draining. So I knew I needed to make peace with myself and my diet...and I did. I started by reducing my added sugar intake as well as my flour intake and I increased my fruit and vegetable intake. When shopping I read food labels and do my best to choose healthy options for me and my family, but not in an obsessive "it must be whole natural foods or nothing" way, more so I have an awareness of what we are putting into our bodies. I also stopped weighing and measuring my food and I stopped weighing my body. I have decided to choose my food based on how I feel - no, not eating for comfort anymore - by eating for fuel. If more vegetables and fruit with meals makes my body feel like it's running well and I have energy, then that's what I'll eat. If I eat a dessert with added sugar and it gives me a headache, stomachache, or destroys my energy, then I will eat less of that. It's no longer about me trying to fit in a certain size or weigh a certain weight, it's now about me finding a natural balance. My doctor probably won't be happy to hear that when I see her again, but oh well. She has been trying to get me to a certain weight since my youngest son was born in 2009. I have felt for the last 11 years like I was letting her down at every appointment when I wasn't at her target weight. Not anymore, it ends now. I am actually a very healthy adult: my bloodwork is always excellent, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I no longer drink. I am also a runner and I do yoga regularly, too. And without the worry of being a certain weight hanging over my head, I actually feel pretty good most of the time now. This is a freedom I have wanted and needed for some time, and it feels very good. I also happen to like how my body looks...and that's something I never felt before now - even when I was super skinny in my early 20s. Because thinness does not equal happiness. So I am working on how I feel inside and worrying less about how I look on the outside. And I forgive myself for the times I have turned to food for comfort and am no longer "disgusted" with that behavior. As it turns out, I'm human, and I am literally doing the best I can to get by. We all are.

• Not wearing make up. Following the same path as my previous bullet about eating healthy and accepting who I am, I discovered during quarantine that I like how I look without make up on. It started off as a joke; my husband was growing a "quarantine beard" and I decided that my equivalent to that was keeping a "quarantine face", free of make up. But after doing that for a month, I actually started liking how it looked. I used to think I looked sickly or tired when I didn't at least have eyeliner and mascara on, but now I am enjoying my natural look. I'm not saying I'll never wear make up again, but I am a lot less worried about having a "perfect face" now. I like my face. 😍

• Giving my "all" to my job. In early April I went on a temporary furlough at work. The furlough lasted 12 weeks and during that time, I spent a lot of time thinking about work and how much I missed it. I realized during that 3-month break that I truly love what I do in my position and I came up with lots of ideas for projects to implement when I returned to work. And now that I am back to working, I am really throwing a lot of my energy into those projects and trying to help my colleagues (who are frontline healthcare workers) feel good about their jobs and feel happy (and safe) at work. 

• Continuing my quest for knowledge. It's no secret that I am a lifelong learner. I love school. I love taking classes. I love facing challenges to learn new things. I attained a Master of Arts degree in English in 2016. I recently attained my 200-hour yoga teacher certification. Last year at this time I took the Massachusetts Communications and Literacy teacher exam, as I was considering going back to school to get my teacher certification. But then my career took an interesting turn and I made the decision to stay in the field of Human Resources; then I took the HR certified professionals exam in February of this year and attained that certification instead. Now I am thinking about going back to school yet again, this time to attain an MBA with a specialization in Human Resource Management (as I write this, I am waiting to hear back on my acceptance into this program at Capella University; if all goes well, I will begin classes in early August). I am also working on getting certified in Y12SR (Yoga for 12-Step Recovery) so I may be able to teach yoga to individuals recovering from addiction and help them in their journey. For me, there is no end to education, I will continue to take classes to achieve degrees and certifications that interest me. I truly enjoy putting my time and energy into learning new things, it gives me a real sense of purpose.

• Staying positive and optimistic even when things look crappy. Not easy to do, especially this year. But I wake up each day and immediately think of 3 things I am grateful for. And I try hard to focus on the news stories and articles online that illustrate medical breakthroughs and human kindness. I'm not suggesting we ignore the harsh truths out there, but if you only focus on the bad stuff, that's all you'll see and feel inside. Even in the darkest hour, try to find gratitude. Be aware of reality but also remember that even during "the worst year ever", there is light and love. You may need to dig deep for it, but I promise it's there. 💖

When This Is All Over...

Last week a new dimension of being a "non-essential" employee came to light for me...I was put on a temporary furlough at work. This is a fancy way of saying I am temporarily unemployed. Companies do this sometimes to save money when they start to see a downturn in finances. It's a little scary to be in this place right now but my job is still there (I'm not laid off) and I look forward to returning to work (in 1 to 3 months).

If you think about it, we are all in a really weird and scary place right now. Every single day we are afraid. We might not be the same level of afraid all the time, and we all may feel different levels of fear from our friends and family members, but we are all basically living in fear every day right now. I keep comparing this pandemic to 9/11 and it's because the last time I recall being this afraid for an extended period of time was the last quarter of the year 2001. And none of us were ever the same after that.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of effect this level of trauma has on people. As a person who is afflicted by General Anxiety Disorder, I know that there are a lot of health risks for people who experience fear and stress regularly over long periods of time. But I am more thinking about how we, as a society, will mentally and emotionally return to our previous version of "normal" after enduring this pandemic fear for weeks and months on end.

What do I mean by that?

Over the past month, I have been reconditioned to be afraid to be less than 6 feet away from all people. I have been reconditioned to fear going out in public, except for when I take a walk on an empty street. I have been reminded every single day that people all around me are sick and some are dying and that I could easily join them if I leave my house. I have been told that I need to start wearing a mask on my face if I go into a store and that I should act as though I have COVID-19 and could infect everyone around me. I am afraid when I bring in the mail. I am afraid when my husband brings in the groceries. My kids have been reconditioned to know that anything that comes into the house must be wiped down with bleach and that only the adults can do this to ensure we minimize our risk of infection. The new "normal" is a world where I am conditioned to be afraid of so many things that I never thought twice about before.

How am I supposed to return to the previous version of "normal"? If we woke up tomorrow and were told that the pandemic is now over and we can all go back to life I as we once knew it, I don't see that I could do it. I'm not saying I won't ever be able to go back to "normal", but I don't think I can shift that fast, I think it's going to take some time for me to get comfortable with "real life" again. When I think about going to a concert in a crowded venue, going to a baseball game in a crowded stadium, or hell, going food shopping on a Sunday afternoon, I cringe. I want to go back to work in the worst way, but in my current mental state, I am filled with anxiety when I picture walking back into my office. Our previous version of "normal" is now terrifying to me. And it's not easy to just switch that off.

I know it won't always be like this. Someday I will once again go to church on a Sunday morning, I'll walk into my office and say hello to co-workers and meet with them in a conference room, I'll attend a concert with friends, I'll go food shopping during the busiest time of the week, and I'll be okay. But life won't be the same after all of this is over. We'll go back to "normal", but it will be an alternative version of what we once knew as "normal". Do you remember what it was like to travel on an airplane before 9/11? It was a very different experience than it is today. That's what I am picturing for the future, that we will say things like, "before the pandemic we used to ...". The fear will dissipate but it won't go away completely. We'll always carry a piece of this with us.

But I am optimistic.

My hope for the future is that this terrifying experience will change us for the better. Maybe crowds will continue to scare me for a while, but when this is all over, I won't ever take my friends and family for granted again. I never thought I took people for granted before, but it's funny what you realize when you can't be with people face to face. Hugs from loved ones will be more cherished than ever. Birthday parties, holiday gatherings, and Saturday afternoon cookouts will no longer feel like obligations but will be appreciated and adored. Having the ability to see the smiling faces of my co-workers in person will make me smile and I'll feel grateful, because I'll remember what it was like to not be able to see them.

And on the flip side of that, it would be wonderful if we all let go of some things that might not suit us or that maybe we realized were a bit superfluous once we started cancelling stuff at the beginning of the pandemic: conferences, meetings, being busy for the sake of being busy, etc. This time at home with my family, cooking meals together, being together even when we may not want to be, has been a truly wonderful, eye-opening experience for me. It has taught me grace, patience, and has given us a whole new level of love and appreciation for one another. Without the distraction of "real life", we have all been learning about each another in a different way. Even though it's been hard (believe me, not every moment has been magical and fun), overall I'd say this time at home has been a gift for me. A messy, scary, beautiful gift.

This pandemic will change us all, but let's not just take fear with us when this is over. Let's also take love. 💗

"Hey, how are you doing?"

This week I feel like I really learned a valuable lesson in human connection. A friend reached out to me just to ask how I was doing. And I proceeded to send her back a 500 word essay on how I was feeling on that particular day. But then after I finished word-vomiting all over my phone screen, I realized how much better I felt. And I realized how truly good it felt to have someone ask me directly how I was doing in all this mess.

Her kindness inspired me to reach out to 3 other people directly to specifically ask them how they were doing. And I hope this connection chain continued on beyond each of those 3 people.

"Hey, how are you doing?" used to be a standard greeting we said to one another when you ran into someone you knew. Maybe you were at a party or the store or just out for a jog. But in the span of 3+ weeks that has all changed. We aren't running into people or going places and "hey, how are you doing?" is no longer an empty thing we say to each other. When someone says that now, it really means something to me.

Because I am anxious and struggling a bit with the state of the world, I have a tendency to get stuck inside my own head and I forget to reach out to others. When I get like this, I tend to turn inward to try to "solve" the problem. I am trying my best to change that. This is not a problem I can solve in isolation. The best way to deal with all of this craziness is to keep reaching out.

Let's not stop reaching out to one another. 💛

Accentuate the Positive

As my family (and the world) approaches week 3 of preventive quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic, I wanted to share some positive things I have noticed over the last week.

I admit that I don't feel positive every day. I don't even feel good for most of any given day. A lot of the times lately, I feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, and downright paranoid. BUT (and this is a BIG BUT), I am really trying to find some good in all this mess. It's kind of the only thing keeping me sane right now. That and my Amazon Fire Stick.

• Kindness from Strangers: Lots of  it when you look around. I was standing in my driveway the other day as my kids were drawing with chalk, and a total stranger driving down my street smiled at me and waved as she drove by. I smiled and waved back. Sure, she could have been mistaking me for someone else, but what I really think happened is she saw a family finding a fun outdoor activity together and it made her smile. The few times I have been to the store to pick up essentials, people are keeping their distance from one another but they are smiling more at one another. It made me realize how little we did this before. I have also seen a lot of kindness on social media, of all places - people in my town are volunteering to shovel snow, pick up groceries or medications, or walk dogs of people who can't get out and about during these challenging times. My town Facebook group used to consist of a lot of bickering about trash pick up, school bus delays, and other things that are no longer in the forefront of anyone's minds. Now our page is mostly full of uplifting and positive messages, and genuine kindness, like this:

• The Freedom to be Weird: Things that were once weird just aren't anymore, and that feels very freeing to me right now. This morning I went and stood on my front lawn in my PJs and just stared out at nothing. I just wanted fresh air for a few minutes. And it didn't feel weird to me at all, in fact, it felt good. I doubt anyone driving or walking by would have given me a second look. Sometimes standing in my yard is the only outdoor activity I do now. I try to do more than that but it hasn't been easy with my work schedule and you know, my paranoia. And people get that, because we're all in the same messed up, sinking boat.

• We're All In This: What's going on now is scary, no doubt, but a small part of me feels comforted knowing that everyone - celebrities, politicians, neighbors, friends, strangers - everyone is going through the same thing at the same time. After 9/11, we banded together in a similar way. "These colors don't run" and "United we stand, divided we fall" were phrases repeated often during that time. People came together in a special and meaningful way to grieve and comfort one another, and that is what's happening now, too. "We're all in this together" and "Stay healthy, be well" are phrases repeated often now. It shouldn't take a tragedy to bring us together, but I'm grateful for the community love and warmth I have been witnessing not just in the US, but all over the world. It helps me feel less alone.

• Embracing Technology to Stay Connected: In an effort to make it so the whole world doesn't come to a screeching halt, so many companies have flipped the switch and are now offering training, meetings, and other social engagements using technology like Skype or Zoom. Organizations that had not even considered virtual activity have completely embraced it within the span of 2 weeks. Those of us who have school-age children are connecting with their teachers and classmates through email, Google classroom, and other online platforms. Colleges have gone to a completely virtual learning education plan for the remainder of this year. My local yoga studio is now offering classes on Zoom. At work our daily morning touch-base meetings are now completely virtual using Skype, and if I may say it, they are running like clockwork and are probably better attended now than when the meetings were conducted in person. I also cannot believe how many musicians have jumped on the bandwagon and started offering free online concerts using Facebook or Instagram Live. Even my church is offering live streaming worship services on Sundays. We all had access to this technology for some time, but in the last 2 to 3 weeks, it has completely blown up - in a good way. My gut tells me that when we eventually go back to face-to-face life, a lot of this virtual stuff will still hang around and be part of the "new normal". I'm sure my yoga studio will be overjoyed to go back to offering in-person classes, but I can see the virtual Zoom classes staying in place as an option for people who really enjoy doing yoga in the privacy of their own home. This crazy life we are living in right now has altered our "normal" and has given us an opportunity to try new things. 

It's easy to get caught up in the negative stuff, because there's so much of it, but if you look closely, very closely, you'll find there's a lot to be grateful for.

Stay well, my friends. 💛

I'm Not Okay...And That's Okay

I am not okay.

Like everyone else, my emotions lately have been swinging from terrified to confused to stressed on a pretty regular basis.

The first 7 days in COVID-19 preventive quarantine for me and my family were tough. I am working from home now, and I work in HR for a healthcare organization, so you can imagine how busy my days have become. In between conference calls and projects I am also trying to be there for my kids, making them food, helping them with the academic "enrichment" work their teachers have provided for them, and trying to help them feel as normal as they possibly can feel (which is not an easy task these days). Because of the nature of my job, I am busier now than I was when things were "normal", which definitely does not make life easier at home. And I am grateful to have a job and am in no way complaining for having too much work to do (in fact, I am incredibly proud to work for a company that is essentially on the front lines of the COVID-19 pandemic and is doing all they can to help people), but it's still pretty stressful a lot of the time.

On top of all that, one of my good friends told me this past week that she was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I'm not going to go making her diagnosis all about me, but it bears mentioning because she is a dear friend and her news truly felt like a solid punch to the gut at a time when I was already feeling pretty destroyed.

I'm worried and scared all the time now. I am worried and scared for my friend who is about to battle breast cancer (as well as another friend who is already battling cancer), I am worried and scared for my family and friends during this awful pandemic, and I am worried and scared for the world in general. It's a lot of weight to bear.

I'm noticing my self-care and mental wellness are being affected by the ongoing anxiety and stress I am feeling lately. I am eating a lot of junk food, not sleeping well, not exercising, and sitting for hours on end in front of my laptop during each work day. I am finding myself falling into old habits and bad patterns because I am searching for comfort and stability in this crazy and unpredictable time. But aren't we all?

I am not okay. But that's okay, because no one is and no one expects me to be either. I am writing this just to get it off my chest. I have spent a lot of my life masking my anxiety and pretending like I am okay and THAT in itself is a heavy weight to bear. Acting like it's all good when I am really freaking out on the inside is an old hat trick of mine. And it always made things way worse. So I am done playing that game. I am here to say that I am going out of mind with worry, the uncertainty of life right now is making me feel anxious, depressed, and it's making me question a lot of things. And that's totally normal. We're all losing it a little. So let's just all admit that, be there for each other, and do our best each day moving forward. It's all we can do.

And for your amusement, here is a pic of me attempting to do yoga this morning:

I had my phone set up to take some yoga selfies so I could share some poses on my Facebook and Instagram accounts (in lieu of teaching yoga in person, which has halted for the time being, like everything else). As I was going into Child's Pose (which for non-yoga people essentially is a resting pose where I am face down on the mat, resting on my heels and hands), I looked up at the camera and made this face as the camera snapped. And then I laughed, because this basically sums up how I have felt for the past 7 days. Nailed it.

To my friends and family and beyond - please hang in there. I know you're not okay. None of us are. But we will be. Remember the days, weeks, and months following 9/11. I remember thinking I would never feel normal again after that. And even though things changed forever after that tragedy, eventually, we all did heal, and we did find our way back to okay.

How One Germaphobe Hyponchondriac is Staying Sane During the COVID-19 Pandemic

So, yeah, we’re all currently living in a weird nightmare with this COVID-19 pandemic panic, right?

I have been joking (to myself) these last few days that I have been preparing for this moment my whole life. You see, I am a fun combination of germaphobe and hypochondriac. A combo like that is ideal for a pandemic; I am fully prepared to remain on high alert and to take intense precautions to keep germs away from my body. And I’ll probably be thinking I have COVID-19 for weeks until the panic dies down, so that will mean I’ll stay in virtual isolation, thus protecting others from my own germs. Wow, imagine that, my anxiety issues are finally coming in handy after all this time.

That should all be read with a sarcastic tone, just in case you weren't sure. 😏 

I joke, but I also get this is a serious situation. I’m not intending to make light of the real fear people are feeling right now, nor do I think mental illness/anxiety is funny (I really do suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I struggle with germaphobia and hyponchondria everyday). What I do think is that I need to find some way to find humor and joy in all this mess, so that’s where I’m at right now.

And all of this obsessing and worrying can be pretty exhausting, especially during “trying times like these”. (Seriously, if I receive one more email with that phrase, I might toss my laptop out the window).

So here’s how I am staying sane right now; maybe these tips can help you, too:

·         I am focusing on the things I can control: the reason I get anxious about illness in general, never mind COVID-19, is because of my perceived lack of control when it comes to getting sick. The truth is, you can do everything right and still end up sick, and that always scares me. But when it starts to overwhelm me, I make a mental list of all the things in my span of control that I can do to be as healthy as possible, and I focus on them. Taking vitamins, washing my hands, staying in smaller groups and keeping a sizeable distance from others, wiping down my work station and the inside of my car with sanitation wipes, getting plenty of rest and water, and paying attention to my body and symptoms.

·         I channel my energy into something useful: Anxiety gives me a lot of excess energy, which can make it hard (sometimes impossible) for me to relax. I have found the best way to combat that energy is to exercise. I run, do yoga, and meditate regularly. I have started teaching yoga. I throw myself into big work projects so I can do what I do best – problem solving. Sometimes I take a workshop or a class. Doing these things helps me burn off anxious energy and gives me something positive to focus on in the meantime.

·         I take a deep breath, and accept what is: This one is usually easier said than done. But sometimes you just have to accept what is happening around you. It’s easier to swim with the current instead of against it. When you allow yourself to float along, it can be a little scary relinquishing that urge to control everything, but it’s definitely not as scary as thrashing and fighting the panic. This has become my general rule of thumb when it comes to managing my anxiety. The more I allow myself to accept the uncontrollable situations around me, the less panicky I feel.

·        I give myself and others a little (or a lot of) grace and forgive the humanness of it all: This past week has reminded me of the months that followed 9/11/01; when mass hysteria ensues, it can sometimes bring out our least flattering traits. We panic and go into survival mode and before you know it, people are saying and doing things they normally wouldn’t. Being scared is no excuse to be rude, but I understand where it comes from, and I can empathize with that fear. And I forgive myself and others for needing to be a little human and maybe not dealing with life perfectly. Fear can also bring people together too – I am hoping to see more of that in the coming days.

And lastly, because I just needed to share one more humorous thing with you, here is a meme I just created to describe how I am feeling this week:

This is actually one of my favorite scenes from Game of Thrones. Jon Snow is alone in this moment and he draws his sword to face an enormous army that is charging at him. I have seen this episode more than once and I always get choked up when I watch this scene.

But I laugh at this meme now, because this is quite literally how I feel – standing here alone, trying to be brave, and this pandemic is just charging at me, full speed. And all I can do is raise my sword and pray. Or in this case, wash my hands. Hand washing is my sword!

But for those who have seen the Game of Thrones series, don’t forget how this particular episode ended. The pandemic won’t win. It will be messy and scary and it will definitely get worse before it gets better, but in the end we will get through this.

So for now, take a deep breath, try to remain calm, and of course, wash your damn hands.😀

Coping in a Healthy Way When the Bad Shit Happens

I have a confession to make: when I decided to go alcohol-free 17 months ago, I had no real action plan in place to cope with hard things. Over the first year of being alcohol-free, I successfully rewired my brain to understand that alcohol is poison and I relearned how to have fun and socialize without alcohol in my system. I became mindful in my experiences and when I got bored, anxious, or restless, I learned how to identify those feelings and find ways to cope with them. I'm super proud of all of this BUT it became glaringly obvious to me this week that when it comes to the real big stuff, like when someone dies or is diagnosed with a devastating disease or loses a job, that kind of really hard stuff that truly tests your mettle – I have no idea how to cope with those big bad awful things in a healthy way.

A friend’s dad passed away unexpectedly last week. Being an empath to the extreme, I always struggle a bit when I attend wakes and funerals because I tend to soak up everyone’s energy, and to soak up that much sadness in one place at one time can feel very very heavy. So even though I was not close with the person who passed (and admittedly the friend who lost her dad is really my husband’s friend, so I am not even very close with her), I could barely breathe from all the grief I was feeling after we left the wake.

I came home following the services and found myself in a rather unusual situation: I was completely alone. My children were with their grandparents and my husband went out with some friends for dinner. So I was literally home by myself. I was alone and sad: never a great combo for a person who once struggled with an emotional addiction to alcohol, right?

I needed to cope with this grief. But how?

For a brief moment I seriously considered taking a deep dive into my husband’s beers in the fridge. I actually feel pretty confident that if I did drink that day, it wouldn’t immediately throw me into a drinking spiral. I know I’d end up feeling really crappy (mentally and physically) but would probably be able to bounce back into sobriety okay, as I have had enough separation from alcohol to be able to withstand one blip. But I also know that when I decide to drink because I am sad, I am not choosing the drink, the drink is choosing me. And I refuse to allow that to happen because that’s not freedom. I worked hard on becoming alcohol-free to avoid situations like that and if I drank as a reaction to anything, that would be exactly what I used to do before I discovered freedom from alcohol. I would be going backwards. So I mindfully and actively chose to not drink that day.

I’m not sure if folks who are new to the alcohol-free life find it comforting to hear stories like this or not, but the truth is that even those of us who have some significant time being alcohol-free still have moments like these. Blessedly these moments are rare now, but they do happen sometimes. I may have learned how to live a happy life alcohol-free, but I’m still only human. The great thing about the Alcohol Experiment and This Naked Mind is that I have a lot of tools in my toolbox now to help me identify my triggers and that helps me stay healthy.

After I made the smart choice to not drink on that day where I was feeling so very sad, my next thought was, “well, what do I do?” Instantly I wanted to eat something sugary and sweet: my other addiction. But I have been working really hard on overcoming my habits of eating to cope with things, so I knew bingeing on ice cream would not be the answer. I gained a lot of weight when I first went alcohol-free because I leaned on food for comfort. Now that I feel pretty solid as a non-drinker, I am trying to apply the same principles to my eating habits and that means NOT stuffing my face as a reaction to how I feel. Food is fuel for my body, not a hug.

So, what, then? What can I do to cope?!

Excellent question. It left me stopped in my tracks with a confused look on my face. I realized in that moment, as a full grown adult at 41 years old, that I have no idea how to cope with grief in a healthy way. I was never taught! But then if you think about it, were ANY of us ever taught? I don’t know about you but my high school or college did not offer a Coping Skills 101 course. I learned about life by watching my parents and others around me as a child and they did not always have the healthiest coping skills (not that I blame my family in any way, THEY were also never taught how to cope in a healthy way either). We do the best we can with what we are given, am I right?

At a loss of what to do next, I suddenly found myself pulling out my phone and Googling “how to cope with grief in a healthy way”. The search results listed typical healthy activities like these:

• Go for a run
• Meditate
• Take a brisk walk
• Call a friend
• Paint, draw, write
• Do yoga

And while these are all probably pretty obvious, it honestly never occurred to me to do any of these things when I felt sad. These healthy activities all can provide a much-needed distraction and dopamine hit that a person would need when grieving, but my mind always goes to the easiest choice for being numb when sad: booze and food.

When I first read the healthy coping activities list I thought, “Psshht, I don’t want to do any of these” and I put my phone down. I sat there thinking quietly for a few minutes, really ruminating on the options that lay before me. Drinking and eating were not options, I didn’t want to do either of those things, so I had a choice: I could get up and do something else, or I could sit around feeling awful.

I could feel my subconscious throwing a mini-tantrum inside my mind. She wanted to do something comforting and unhealthy. She insisted that I deserved something unhealthy. Life is hard, why not do something fun? Have a beer! Have French fries! Indulge! You deserve it.

But those are just thoughts and my thoughts do not control me. What I deserve is a healthy life and damn it, it’s time I learned how to cope with the tough stuff in a HEALTHY way. Enough is enough.

It didn’t take long before I was on my feet…first, I unrolled my yoga mat and did some stretches. I stretched for about 10 minutes, taking slow deep breaths. Then I decided to get some things done around the house (cleaning is a lot easier when no one is home so I chose to take advantage of being home alone). I proceeded to clean the bathroom and kitchen for the next hour and while I cleaned, I cried a little. I thought about the family who is devastated by the sudden loss of their loved one. I thought about how hard the days ahead will be for that family and how the grief I am feeling for them is only a tiny fraction of what they are actually feeling everyday now. I allowed myself to feel sad but I kept myself moving as a means of a distraction. And you know what? I started to feel better. And as I started to feel better, the desire to indulge in something unhealthy went away.

Making healthy choices doesn’t always come naturally. Being mindful can sometimes feel like a full time job. And if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, grief – any of the real TOUGH STUFF that life can throw at you – it’s a hell of a lot easier to be comforted by what we know. Sometimes that’s drinking. Eating. Drugs. Sex. You name it and I’m sure someone is addicted to it. We’re human. Creatures of comfort. Choosing the path of least resistance is a totally normal response.

But we can change.

The best thing I ever did was try to form new healthy habits when I wasn’t struggling. I worked on teaching myself to choose sobriety when I was feeling bored. To choose sobriety at parties. To choose sobriety when I was celebrating happy moments and holidays. To choose sobriety on a regular Friday night. Because once I got into those healthier habits during the good times, it helped me make healthier choices when shit got bad. But as you can see from what I just shared, even when shit gets bad, I still pause and wonder what I should do. I still wonder if the path of least resistance is the path I should take or not. Because neuropathways are real, y’all. Those habits that we’ve been forming for years and years, they run deep, man. Even the most healed individual can backtrack or relapse because our brains have been following those pathways for a long ass time. It takes time and energy to reroute and change your habits. But it can be done.

If you had asked me a year and a half ago if I would ever even consider doing yoga to deal with grief, I surely would have laughed at you. My go-to to cope with nearly everything was always “grab a drink”. I had been doing that for over 20 years and I really didn't know another way. But I am proof that those deep habits that feel impossible to change are in fact changeable.

And yeah, it totally feels unfair to have to feel the feelings when you decide you aren’t going to numb out by drinking or eating. But that also means you get to feel all the GOOD feelings, too. And that makes it all worth it for me. It makes it worth trying. And each day, I keep trying. 💛