I have a
confession to make: when I decided to go alcohol-free 17 months ago, I had no
real action plan in place to cope with hard things. Over the first year of
being alcohol-free, I successfully rewired my brain to understand that alcohol
is poison and I relearned how to have fun and socialize without alcohol in my
system. I became mindful in my experiences and when I got bored, anxious, or
restless, I learned how to identify those feelings and find ways to cope with
them. I'm super proud of all of this BUT it became glaringly obvious to me this week that when it comes to the
real big stuff, like when someone dies or is diagnosed with a devastating disease
or loses a job, that kind of really hard
stuff that truly tests your mettle – I have no idea how to cope with those
big bad awful things in a healthy way.
A friend’s
dad passed away unexpectedly last week. Being an empath to the extreme, I
always struggle a bit when I attend wakes and funerals because I tend to soak
up everyone’s energy, and to soak up that much sadness in one place at one time
can feel very very heavy. So even though I was not close with the person who
passed (and admittedly the friend who lost her dad is really my husband’s
friend, so I am not even very close with her),
I could barely breathe from all the grief I was feeling after we left the wake.
I came home
following the services and found myself in a rather unusual situation: I was
completely alone. My children were with their grandparents and my husband went
out with some friends for dinner. So I was literally home by myself. I was
alone and sad: never a great combo for a person who once struggled with an
emotional addiction to alcohol, right?
I needed to
cope with this grief. But how?
For a brief
moment I seriously considered taking a deep dive into my husband’s beers in the
fridge. I actually feel pretty confident that if I did drink that day, it
wouldn’t immediately throw me into a drinking spiral. I know I’d end up feeling
really crappy (mentally and physically) but would probably be able to bounce
back into sobriety okay, as I have had enough separation from alcohol to be
able to withstand one blip. But I also know that when I decide to drink because
I am sad, I am not choosing the drink, the drink is choosing me. And I refuse
to allow that to happen because that’s not freedom. I worked hard on becoming
alcohol-free to avoid situations like that and if I drank as a reaction to anything, that would be exactly what I
used to do before I discovered freedom from alcohol. I would be going
backwards. So I mindfully and actively chose to not drink that day.
I’m not sure
if folks who are new to the alcohol-free life find it comforting to hear
stories like this or not, but the truth is that even those of us who have some significant
time being alcohol-free still have moments like these. Blessedly these moments
are rare now, but they do happen sometimes. I may have learned how to live a
happy life alcohol-free, but I’m still only human. The great thing about the
Alcohol Experiment and This Naked Mind is that I have a lot of tools in my
toolbox now to help me identify my triggers and that helps me stay healthy.
After I made
the smart choice to not drink on that day where I was feeling so very sad, my
next thought was, “well, what do I do?” Instantly I wanted to eat something
sugary and sweet: my other addiction. But I have been working really hard on
overcoming my habits of eating to cope with things, so I knew bingeing on ice
cream would not be the answer. I gained a lot of weight when I first went
alcohol-free because I leaned on food for comfort. Now that I feel pretty solid
as a non-drinker, I am trying to apply the same principles to my eating habits
and that means NOT stuffing my face as a reaction to how I feel. Food is fuel
for my body, not a hug.
So, what, then? What can I do to
cope?!
Excellent
question. It left me stopped in my tracks with a confused look on my face. I
realized in that moment, as a full grown adult at 41 years old, that I have no
idea how to cope with grief in a healthy way. I was never taught! But then if
you think about it, were ANY of us ever taught? I don’t know about you but my
high school or college did not offer a Coping Skills 101 course. I learned
about life by watching my parents and others around me as a child and they did
not always have the healthiest coping skills (not that I blame my family in any
way, THEY were also never taught how to cope in a healthy way either). We do
the best we can with what we are given, am I right?
At a loss of
what to do next, I suddenly found myself pulling out my phone and Googling “how
to cope with grief in a healthy way”. The search results listed typical healthy
activities like these:
- Go for a run
- Meditate
- Take a brisk walk
- Call a friend
- Paint, draw, write
- Do yoga
And while
these are all probably pretty obvious, it honestly never occurred to me to do
any of these things when I felt sad. These healthy activities all can provide a
much-needed distraction and dopamine hit that a person would need when
grieving, but my mind always goes to the easiest choice for being numb when
sad: booze and food.
When I first
read the healthy coping activities list I thought, “Psshht, I don’t want to do
any of these” and I put my phone down. I sat there thinking quietly for a few
minutes, really ruminating on the options that lay before me. Drinking and
eating were not options, I didn’t want to do either of those things, so I had a
choice: I could get up and do something else, or I could sit around feeling
awful.
I could feel
my subconscious throwing a mini-tantrum inside my mind. She wanted to do
something comforting and unhealthy. She insisted that I deserved something
unhealthy. Life is hard, why not do something fun? Have a beer! Have French fries!
Indulge! You deserve it.
But those
are just thoughts and my thoughts do not control me. What I deserve is a
healthy life and damn it, it’s time I learned how to cope with the tough stuff
in a HEALTHY way. Enough is enough.
It didn’t
take long before I was on my feet…first, I unrolled my yoga mat and did some
stretches. I stretched for about 10 minutes, taking slow deep breaths. Then I
decided to get some things done around the house (cleaning is a lot easier when
no one is home so I chose to take advantage of being home alone). I proceeded
to clean the bathroom and kitchen for the next hour and while I cleaned, I
cried a little. I thought about the family who is devastated by the sudden loss
of their loved one. I thought about how hard the days ahead will be for that
family and how the grief I am feeling for them is only a tiny fraction of what
they are actually feeling everyday now. I allowed myself to feel sad but I kept
myself moving as a means of a distraction. And you know what? I started to feel
better. And as I started to feel better, the desire to indulge in something
unhealthy went away.
Making
healthy choices doesn’t always come naturally. Being mindful can sometimes feel
like a full time job. And if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, grief
– any of the real TOUGH STUFF that life can throw at you – it’s a hell of a lot
easier to be comforted by what we know. Sometimes that’s drinking. Eating.
Drugs. Sex. You name it and I’m sure someone is addicted to it. We’re human.
Creatures of comfort. Choosing the path of least resistance is a totally normal
response.
But we can
change.
The best
thing I ever did was try to form new healthy habits when I wasn’t struggling. I
worked on teaching myself to choose sobriety when I was feeling bored. To
choose sobriety at parties. To choose sobriety when I was celebrating happy
moments and holidays. To choose sobriety on a regular Friday night. Because
once I got into those healthier habits during the good times, it helped me make
healthier choices when shit got bad. But as you can see from what I just
shared, even when shit gets bad, I still pause and wonder what I should do. I
still wonder if the path of least resistance is the path I should take or not.
Because neuropathways are real, y’all. Those habits that we’ve been forming for
years and years, they run deep, man. Even the most healed individual can
backtrack or relapse because our brains have been following those pathways for
a long ass time. It takes time and energy to reroute and change your habits.
But it can be done.
If you had
asked me a year and a half ago if I would ever even consider doing yoga to deal with grief, I surely would have laughed
at you. My go-to to cope with nearly everything was always “grab a drink”. I had been doing that for over 20 years and I really didn't know another way. But I am
proof that those deep habits that feel impossible to change are in fact changeable.
And yeah, it
totally feels unfair to have to feel the feelings when you decide you aren’t
going to numb out by drinking or eating. But that also means you get to feel
all the GOOD feelings, too. And that makes it all worth it for me. It makes it worth trying. And each day, I keep trying. 💛
