If you think about it, we are all in a really weird and scary place right now. Every single day we are afraid. We might not be the same level of afraid all the time, and we all may feel different levels of fear from our friends and family members, but we are all basically living in fear every day right now. I keep comparing this pandemic to 9/11 and it's because the last time I recall being this afraid for an extended period of time was the last quarter of the year 2001. And none of us were ever the same after that.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of effect this level of trauma has on people. As a person who is afflicted by General Anxiety Disorder, I know that there are a lot of health risks for people who experience fear and stress regularly over long periods of time. But I am more thinking about how we, as a society, will mentally and emotionally return to our previous version of "normal" after enduring this pandemic fear for weeks and months on end.
What do I mean by that?
Over the past month, I have been reconditioned to be afraid to be less than 6 feet away from all people. I have been reconditioned to fear going out in public, except for when I take a walk on an empty street. I have been reminded every single day that people all around me are sick and some are dying and that I could easily join them if I leave my house. I have been told that I need to start wearing a mask on my face if I go into a store and that I should act as though I have COVID-19 and could infect everyone around me. I am afraid when I bring in the mail. I am afraid when my husband brings in the groceries. My kids have been reconditioned to know that anything that comes into the house must be wiped down with bleach and that only the adults can do this to ensure we minimize our risk of infection. The new "normal" is a world where I am conditioned to be afraid of so many things that I never thought twice about before.
How am I supposed to return to the previous version of "normal"? If we woke up tomorrow and were told that the pandemic is now over and we can all go back to life I as we once knew it, I don't see that I could do it. I'm not saying I won't ever be able to go back to "normal", but I don't think I can shift that fast, I think it's going to take some time for me to get comfortable with "real life" again. When I think about going to a concert in a crowded venue, going to a baseball game in a crowded stadium, or hell, going food shopping on a Sunday afternoon, I cringe. I want to go back to work in the worst way, but in my current mental state, I am filled with anxiety when I picture walking back into my office. Our previous version of "normal" is now terrifying to me. And it's not easy to just switch that off.
I know it won't always be like this. Someday I will once again go to church on a Sunday morning, I'll walk into my office and say hello to co-workers and meet with them in a conference room, I'll attend a concert with friends, I'll go food shopping during the busiest time of the week, and I'll be okay. But life won't be the same after all of this is over. We'll go back to "normal", but it will be an alternative version of what we once knew as "normal". Do you remember what it was like to travel on an airplane before 9/11? It was a very different experience than it is today. That's what I am picturing for the future, that we will say things like, "before the pandemic we used to ...". The fear will dissipate but it won't go away completely. We'll always carry a piece of this with us.
But I am optimistic.
My hope for the future is that this terrifying experience will change us for the better. Maybe crowds will continue to scare me for a while, but when this is all over, I won't ever take my friends and family for granted again. I never thought I took people for granted before, but it's funny what you realize when you can't be with people face to face. Hugs from loved ones will be more cherished than ever. Birthday parties, holiday gatherings, and Saturday afternoon cookouts will no longer feel like obligations but will be appreciated and adored. Having the ability to see the smiling faces of my co-workers in person will make me smile and I'll feel grateful, because I'll remember what it was like to not be able to see them.
And on the flip side of that, it would be wonderful if we all let go of some things that might not suit us or that maybe we realized were a bit superfluous once we started cancelling stuff at the beginning of the pandemic: conferences, meetings, being busy for the sake of being busy, etc. This time at home with my family, cooking meals together, being together even when we may not want to be, has been a truly wonderful, eye-opening experience for me. It has taught me grace, patience, and has given us a whole new level of love and appreciation for one another. Without the distraction of "real life", we have all been learning about each another in a different way. Even though it's been hard (believe me, not every moment has been magical and fun), overall I'd say this time at home has been a gift for me. A messy, scary, beautiful gift.
This pandemic will change us all, but let's not just take fear with us when this is over. Let's also take love. 💗
