My Toxic Relationship with Facebook - Part 1 - Addiction Takes Many Forms

As of today, it has been 3 weeks since I last logged onto Facebook.

About a month ago I started to think Facebook was becoming a problem. Much like when I started wondering if I had a problem with alcohol, I recently started wondering if I had a problem with social media, too. 

So, what made me wonder this?

Well, like alcohol, Facebook was starting to become a toxic habit for me. I was tapping onto Facebook multiple times a day, mostly in a mindless way, and I didn't even like it. I'd sit on Facebook, scrolling and scrolling, waiting to feel good about what I was seeing, all the while hating it. But I kept doing it. 

To be clear, I am not hating on the people I follow on Facebook. If I am following you on Facebook, I like seeing what you're up to. And that's actually the main reason I joined Facebook in the first place back in 2009 - to stay connected to those I care about. But the Facebook that exists today doesn't feel like the Facebook I joined all those years ago. My feed is full of advertisements now. And instead of seeing posts from everyone I follow, I tend to see posts of the same 10 people and groups over and over again. And no offense to those same 10 people and groups, but that's not exactly what I am looking for when I go onto social media. I have tried playing with my settings to see more variety on my feed, but it seems that the Facebook algorithm always decides what I should see.

Regardless of why I was no longer enjoying Facebook (my reasons are my reasons and I don't have to justify them), the bigger issue was that I was still using Facebook regularly even though I wasn't enjoying it. That is the part that I find toxic. 

The same was true back in early 2018 when I started asking myself if alcohol was becoming a problem for me. I continued to consume it regularly even though it no longer tasted good or felt good inside my body. I had more reasons to quit than to continue using, yet it would take me several months before I decided to actually stop. And that my friends, is addiction: long after your drug of choice has stopped providing a benefit to you, you continue to use it - for some addicts there's the actual physical addiction, but for many (like me) there's a big emotional addiction that influences you. And when you have been doing something for a long enough period of time, it starts to become who you are, it feels embedded in your personality...and that is a really tough habit to break. 

Essentially what kept me drinking is the same thing that kept me from logging off of Facebook - fear. Fear of boredom. Fear of disconnecting from others. Fear of not doing what everyone else was doing (sticking out in the crowd). Fear of change. Fear of missing out.

That last one hits home. The infamous FOMO. This was probably my biggest fear of all when I quit drinking. What if everyone goes out and has fun without me? I'll miss out on all the private jokes and crazy antics. What then?

Like alcohol, Facebook was simply filling a void, and giving me a false sense of connection and love. I was afraid of giving up these vices because without them, without the jokes and the antics, without seeing what everyone is up to all the time, then who am I? 

Fear of being alone.

I used to get a lot of my news from Facebook. If a celebrity died or some big world event happened, more often than not I found out on Facebook. Also, people I am friends with usually announce big things about themselves on Facebook, like pregnancies, engagements, and upcoming nuptials. And Facebook was a place to commiserate or celebrate all of this important news. 

A month ago I asked myself what I was most afraid of if I gave up Facebook. And the answer I was able to come up with was that I was afraid of being left out of the loop. This was the one reason I didn't want to give up Facebook. It was the one thing stopping me from taking a break from something that was creating a lot of distress in my life.

So I really thought about this fear I had and I asked myself a serious 3-part follow-up question, "Are you really THAT 'in the loop' right now being on Facebook? Do you REALLY know what's going on with your friends and family by being on there? Is it ACTUALLY making you feel close to the people in your life?" 

And the answer is - no. 

Facebook isn't really keeping me connected and informed. It's mostly trying to sell me junk and get me to join random groups (as a method of keeping me logged on so I can - yes, you guessed it - see more ads and potentially buy a bunch of junk).

And then I remembered an important realization I had back in 2018 when I was considering going alcohol-free: the simple fact that I am asking myself if there is a problem and if I need to abandon this bad habit is evidence that there IS in fact a problem and I DO need to abandon this bad habit. 

Because the truth is, people who don't think they have a drinking problem aren't going to Google "Am I an alcoholic?" If you are asking yourself a question like that, then you probably already know the answer.

And so I decided to take a break from Facebook. Not sure how long the break will last, I am starting with a month and then will see from there how I feel (just like I did when I first stopped drinking). 

I also provided myself with a solution to my worry about losing connections with people - I could make a better effort to reach out via phone/text/email/messenger to people in my life to see how they are doing. It doesn't have to literally be me asking "how are you doing?" (although that is perfectly acceptable), it can be by sharing a funny meme or gif when I see something that reminds me of someone. A simple DM, email, or text letting someone know you are thinking of them is a great way to stay connected, and a lot more personal than posting on your Facebook feed. Also, I am still actively using Instagram, so I can still see photos of people and know what they are up to (and share photos of my own), even if it's on a much smaller scale (I don't have as many friends on Insta as I do on Facebook).

Oh and I am pretty well "in the know" with ongoing world events these days, as I receive regular news alerts on my phone from the NY Times and the Wall Street Journal - not a single crisis or headline happens without me being notified. Such is the life of a person living during a pandemic in the 21st century, you can't escape the news even if you wanted to. And I receive email alerts from People Magazine for all of my celebrity gossip, so there's no chance of me missing a big news story while I am off of Facebook. 😊

You may be wondering if I am for real with this whole thing. Do I seriously think I had an "addiction" to Facebook? Was it seriously a dilemma for me to have to take time away from it?

Yeah, I am for real and yes it was a challenge for me to change this behavior, as weird as it sounds.

Maybe Facebook isn't an issue for you. Maybe you find it boring or just simply don't get the appeal. Maybe you're one of those people who has never used it. I have never liked using Twitter and I am pretty sure I haven't logged on in more than a year, so I totally get it, to each her own. But ask yourself this: have you ever had a habit that no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't seem to kick it? Any habit. Think hard, because if you're human, you likely have at least one vice that has you in its grip. Probably more than one.

Coffee? Soda? Chocolate? Weed? Cigarettes? Porn? Shopping? Something more serious? Something less serious? 

Regardless of what it is, you've probably found 30 different ways to rationalize the behavior - or maybe you're like me and you have gotten to the point where the behavior now makes you unhappy but you somehow keep finding yourself doing it anyway. Hey, it happens. No judgement from me. I have clearly been there and done that.

Whatever the habit may be, whether it's a big one or a really small one (like my issue with Facebook), if it's causing any unhappiness in your life, then it's worth considering making a change. And it's completely possible to do so, if you're willing to be uncomfortable - and if you're willing to make some mistakes along the way.

Mistakes are all part of the learning, my friend.

When I decided to stop drinking, I didn't wake up one day and make that decision and live happily ever after as a sober person. There was a lot of trial and error. I abstained for long periods of time, then went back to drinking to test myself and see how I felt, then I'd go back to sobriety again. It went on like that for 2 years. There were moments of denial, moments of rationalization, moments of confusion, and then finally, moments of getting completely real with myself and my habits. Asking myself some really tough questions and answering them honestly.  

Clarity. 

And I was able to find that clarity by taking time away from the habit that had me in its grip. The more time I spent not drinking, the more clear I got on how emotionally addicted I was to doing it. 

Sure, being addicted to Facebook isn't like being addicted to alcohol or drugs. It probably won't physically harm me and in the grand scheme of things, it's probably not that big of a deal. But it did not sit well with me that I was repeatedly doing something that made me unhappy, it reminded me too much of the days leading up to when I decided to stop drinking. I recognized the unhealthy path I was on and decided to take some time to figure it all out. 

And life is too damn short to be doing things that make you feel like crap. Right?!

I'll check back in again in a few weeks and let you know if I am still off of Facebook and how it's all going. For now I am remaining logged off - one day at a time.