Yikes.
At this point, all we can do is take a few deep breaths and pray things don't get dramatically worse before they get better.
But, despite the insanity that is this year so far, I have actually managed to find a great deal of peace. I've had to dig deep for it (and I have had a few mental breakdowns along the way) but it's there. I think it's important that we all try to find a little peace right now, for hour health and our sanity. Everyone has different ways of coping with trauma, some methods are healthier than others. I personally have done the healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms and have learned a great deal in the process. Whatever you're doing to find peace, just remember we're all human and doing the best we can in this crazy world, so above all else - forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you have made and allow yourself some grace.
Here are 6 things that are giving me peace these days:
- Not drinking alcohol. I have lived life as a drinker and I have lived life as a non-drinker. I have actually flip-flopped back and forth between the two over the last couple of years and in doing so, I discovered that being a non-drinker is sincerely the most restful, peaceful choice I have ever made about my health. Alcohol makes me depressed and it exacerbates my anxiety, even in small amounts, so I am opting for the non-drinking life and I am truly loving it. Sobriety comes with its own complications, of course...it's not always easy facing life on life's terms, especially when the world feels like it is crumbling around you, but in facing all that scariness head on, I feel like I have become a much stronger person overall. And weirdly enough, walking through these tough times with a clear head actually makes me feel more at peace (and in control) than I felt when I was trying to drowned it out with excessive amounts of beer and wine. This path may not be right for everyone, to each her own, but it is the right path for me.
- Eating healthier but not dieting. I recently have had an awakening when it comes to my diet and lifelong quest to reach my "goal weight". When the pandemic first started and we went into lockdown/quarantine, I abandoned all healthy eating and exercise. I started consuming loads of junk food as a source of comfort, and as a result I gained nearly 10 pounds over the span of 3 months. When I finally came out of my fog of depression and terror in early June, I was disgusted with how I felt and how I looked. My first instinct was to start dieting and compulsively exercising to work it all off. And after actually trying that for a hot minute, I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to be at war with my body and with food. I can't consume junk food in excess and think I am going to feel good, but I also need to be realistic and not shame myself into a restricted diet either. I am 42 years old and I am tired of not loving my body. I am tired of punishing myself by compulsively exercising. I am tired of weighing myself daily or even weekly and then letting the number on the scale determine my mood. This is all destructive behavior that never leads to a good place and it's mentally draining. So I knew I needed to make peace with myself and my diet...and I did. I started by reducing my added sugar intake as well as my flour intake and I increased my fruit and vegetable intake. When shopping I read food labels and do my best to choose healthy options for me and my family, but not in an obsessive "it must be whole natural foods or nothing" way, more so I have an awareness of what we are putting into our bodies. I also stopped weighing and measuring my food and I stopped weighing my body. I have decided to choose my food based on how I feel - no, not eating for comfort anymore - by eating for fuel. If more vegetables and fruit with meals makes my body feel like it's running well and I have energy, then that's what I'll eat. If I eat a dessert with added sugar and it gives me a headache, stomachache, or destroys my energy, then I will eat less of that. It's no longer about me trying to fit in a certain size or weigh a certain weight, it's now about me finding a natural balance. My doctor probably won't be happy to hear that when I see her again, but oh well. She has been trying to get me to a certain weight since my youngest son was born in 2009. I have felt for the last 11 years like I was letting her down at every appointment when I wasn't at her target weight. Not anymore, it ends now. I am actually a very healthy adult: my bloodwork is always excellent, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I no longer drink. I am also a runner and I do yoga regularly, too. And without the worry of being a certain weight hanging over my head, I actually feel pretty good most of the time now. This is a freedom I have wanted and needed for some time, and it feels very good. I also happen to like how my body looks...and that's something I never felt before now - even when I was super skinny in my early 20s. Because thinness does not equal happiness. So I am working on how I feel inside and worrying less about how I look on the outside. And I forgive myself for the times I have turned to food for comfort and am no longer "disgusted" with that behavior. As it turns out, I'm human, and I am literally doing the best I can to get by. We all are.
- Not wearing make up. Following the same path as my previous bullet about eating healthy and accepting who I am, I discovered during quarantine that I like how I look without make up on. It started off as a joke; my husband was growing a "quarantine beard" and I decided that my equivalent to that was keeping a "quarantine face", free of make up. But after doing that for a month, I actually started liking how it looked. I used to think I looked sickly or tired when I didn't at least have eyeliner and mascara on, but now I am enjoying my natural look. I'm not saying I'll never wear make up again, but I am a lot less worried about having a "perfect face" now. I like my face. 😍
- Giving my "all" to my job. In early April I went on a temporary furlough at work. The furlough lasted 12 weeks and during that time, I spent a lot of time thinking about work and how much I missed it. I realized during that 3-month break that I truly love what I do in my position and I came up with lots of ideas for projects to implement when I returned to work. And now that I am back to working, I am really throwing a lot of my energy into those projects and trying to help my colleagues (who are frontline healthcare workers) feel good about their jobs and feel happy (and safe) at work.
- Continuing my quest for knowledge. It's no secret that I am a lifelong learner. I love school. I love taking classes. I love facing challenges to learn new things. I attained a Master of Arts degree in English in 2016. I recently attained my 200-hour yoga teacher certification. Last year at this time I took the Massachusetts Communications and Literacy teacher exam, as I was considering going back to school to get my teacher certification. But then my career took an interesting turn and I made the decision to stay in the field of Human Resources; then I took the HR certified professionals exam in February of this year and attained that certification instead. Now I am thinking about going back to school yet again, this time to attain an MBA with a specialization in Human Resource Management (as I write this, I am waiting to hear back on my acceptance into this program at Capella University; if all goes well, I will begin classes in early August). I am also working on getting certified in Y12SR (Yoga for 12-Step Recovery) so I may be able to teach yoga to individuals recovering from addiction and help them in their journey. For me, there is no end to education, I will continue to take classes to achieve degrees and certifications that interest me. I truly enjoy putting my time and energy into learning new things, it gives me a real sense of purpose.
- Staying positive and optimistic even when things look crappy. Not easy to do, especially this year. But I wake up each day and immediately think of 3 things I am grateful for. And I try hard to focus on the news stories and articles online that illustrate medical breakthroughs and human kindness. I'm not suggesting we ignore the harsh truths out there, but if you only focus on the bad stuff, that's all you'll see and feel inside. Even in the darkest hour, try to find gratitude. Be aware of reality but also remember that even during "the worst year ever", there is light and love. You may need to dig deep for it, but I promise it's there. 💖
