Something To Believe In

I'm going to say something a little off the subject of health, wellness, and running. Although one could argue that this topic actually does fall under the category of mental health. I'm here today to talk about faith, belief, religion, and Santa Claus.

Hopefully I haven't lost you yet. If you hang in there, I promise to get to my point quickly. I just really have something to say on this subject.

I wasn't raised with any religion and for some reason, my lack of religious affiliation made me search for it once I became old enough to understand the basic concept of God and faith. I felt lost for a long time. Not being any religion in particular, I felt a little on the outside. Like everyone else was in a special club and I wasn't invited to join in.

Not long after my children were born (when I was in my late 20s/early 30s) I began researching religions of the world, most specifically narrowing my focus on Judaism and Christianity. I attended churches and temples of all kinds. I watched the congregants participating in their rituals of worship and wondered why none of it felt like it fit for me. I also worried for my kids: would they too grow up feeling lost?

You may wonder why this all mattered so much to me. At first I think religion was more of a fascination and curiosity than anything. As previously mentioned, I wanted to know what was so special about these clubs I wasn't allowed into. But as I got older, it became much more than that - it was an issue of finding peace with life and its meaning. It was about knowing and believing there is something greater out there.

I thought I might never resolve this great issue in my life - and then in the last year I feel like I finally found what I was looking for.

I was dealing with a lot of mental health struggles last year at this time and in a moment of desperation, I started attending a local church in my town. I didn't know if it would help, but I figured I had nothing to lose.

At first when I started attending the weekly service, I again watched the congregants like I was on the outside looking in. I realize now that is why I never found a religion or congregation that I felt comfortable with. I didn't enter the church with an open mind, I entered thinking "I don't belong here". Perception is reality, right?

All of this kind of reminds me of my kids and Santa Claus. My children are firm believers in all things magic and Santa is their number one guy. As a pre-teen, my oldest is starting to get to that age where we might need to break the truth to him soon, as he shows no signs of coming to the conclusion on his own. But yet I hesitate. Why? Because it all starts with an adult telling you there is no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny, and then once you know none of that magic exists, it becomes increasingly harder to believe in anything as you get older.

I want my children to live in a world where they can believe in magic...just for a little while longer. I want them to maintain the perception I lacked for so long, the unwavering faith in things they cannot see or touch.

It all changed for me about 3 weeks ago when I attended a yoga retreat at a spiritual center in Biddeford, Maine. The yoga retreat in itself was amazing and peaceful. But what was the most amazing was how it felt to stay for the weekend in a religious home alongside nuns. We stayed in these small, simple rooms and ate scheduled meals with the sisters that lived onsite. The entire building smelled like a church and there was a sizable crucifix hanging over my bed. When I first arrived, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Then I decided to approach the whole thing with an open mind. I figured the worst that could happen would be that I'd go home with a heck of a story to share.

Once I decided to open my mind and stop thinking of myself as being a woman on the outside or separate from everyone else, I actually felt...at peace. I spent a lot of time reading and walking on the beach (and of course, doing yoga), and I felt the closest to God that I have ever felt in my life. It was like nothing I ever felt before: a calmness of simply knowing there is something bigger than me out there in the universe...and knowing it in my soul with complete certainty, without having any scientific evidence. It's tough to explain, but I don't think it's really meant to be explained. It just is.

After that retreat, attending church services has changed for me. It's no longer an us-them situation when I am there now; it's just us. Believing in something bigger than me does not require a special all-access pass to a secret club. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I always had the power to find my relationship with God and my peace with religion, I just didn't realize it until now. All it requires is an open mind. And a little faith in all things magic.

Back in the Saddle Again - Getting Back Into Running

Back in 2005, a couple of friends came to me and said they wanted to sign up to train for a half marathon and raise money for the American Stroke Association, and they wanted me to do it with them. The very thought of doing this both terrified and thrilled me.

I was only 27 at the time and had never even run a 5K, never mind a half marathon. But despite my lack of experience, I decided to go for it. I did it to get into better shape, I did it to help save lives by contributing to the American Stroke Association, but mainly I did it for the bragging rights. Because I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to pull it off, but I knew if I did, it would be something I could brag about for a lifetime. And here I am 14 years later, still talking about it.

What I didn't know would happen when I agreed to train for that half marathon was that over time, I'd develop a fondness for running (I am careful not to say a "love" for running, because the word "love" implies I am head over heels for the activity - and I'm not 😊). I am quite fond of running. I am fond of how strong it makes my body. I am fond of how much peace it gives me when I am feeling overly anxious or stressed out. And I am fond of the confidence I get from completing a long or difficult race. Running has given me so much over the last 14 years, and for that I am so grateful. And it all started with my decision to try training for a half marathon just to see if I could pull it off.

Running and I have an interesting relationship - when it's good it's great and when it's bad - well, it's pretty bad. 😁 But no matter how many times I try to say it's over with running, I always end up going back to it. Because that fondness may dim from time to time, but it never actually goes away.

Me in my favorite running shirt

One year ago today I completed the toughest race I have ever run, to date: the 2018 Chicago Marathon. You can read about my experience in Chicago by clicking here. That race kicked my ass big time and after I crossed that finish line, I decided to take a huge step away from running for a while. Marathon training takes a lot out of you both mentally and physically and I think after completing Chicago (and getting beaten down by that race in every way imaginable), I was 100% burnt out with running and needed a big huge break. 

And that break lasted almost a year. I didn't run again in 2018 after the marathon and from January 2019 to September 2019, I am pretty sure I only ran about 4 times total. That wouldn't be so bad except that I also avoided other types of exercise as well. The very thought of biking, doing the elliptical, swimming, or even walking felt exhausting to me. I couldn't get motivated to break a sweat at all. And so I sat and rested and recuperated for many months.

I kept waiting for my motivation and passion for exercise to return and time ticked on with no motivation in sight. I was starting to get worried that I might never want to exercise again. Resting and recuperating is fine and all but if I want to live a long life, I know exercise is a key ingredient to making that happen! And I could certainly exercise without motivation and excitement for it, but without really wanting to do it, it would be exceptionally awful. Doing anything because you HAVE to instead of WANTING to do it is downright torturous in my opinion.

Then it happened. Three weeks ago today I was watching the movie Brittany Runs A Marathon and I felt something I hadn't felt since before I completed the Chicago Marathon - I felt a desire to run again. I won't get into the details of the movie (but I will recommend you see it - even if you aren't into running, it's a great movie with a good message - and it's both funny and real at the same time), but it reminded me of what it was like when I first started running and it reminded me about that amazing feeling I used to get - terror and excitement - when I first started training for any half or full marathon - and I wanted that back.

So I started running again - and boy has it been tough! Since I haven't really done much of anything in the category of exercise in the last year, I am basically starting from scratch. It's funny how quickly your body can backslide when you stop training. But I am okay with starting over, in a way I kind of like it. I get to be scared and excited all over again as I slowly build up my stamina. It's my own little come back story. And I do love a good come back story.

I've made my peace with last year's marathon - and to prove it, here is a photo of me in my Chicago Marathon shirt

I am not signed up for any races right now, but I have put myself on a 30-week marathon training plan. What I like about being on a marathon training plan is that it gives me structure with my running and it also helps me prepare for a half or full marathon if I should decide to do one in the coming year - I'm not saying I will sign up for one, but I like having the option. 😉 Following a marathon training plan without an actual marathon to train for also allows me the flexibility to alter the plan if I need to (for example, I need the first 6 weeks or so to be all about slowly upping my mileage as my body gets used to moving again, asI don't want to hurt myself - so I have adjusted the 30-week plan to have a slow increase in mileage at the beginning). 

This is the first time I have ever decided to "train for a race" without being signed up for an actual race. I'm at a point in my life right now where I just need to run to channel some of my nervous energy into something positive. I'm running for the sake of just running. Kind of like running without a destination, if you will. Wow, there's so much symbolism in this concept I could write a whole other blog post just about that. 

Anyway, here I am, back in the saddle again. I'm sore even after a couple of miles, but I'm giving it all I've got, just the same. And to illustrate how challenging the training has been for me as I start from scratch (yet again), I give you this hilarious meme that I swear captures exactly what is going on in my head whenever I head out for a run:

2019 Love Yoga Fest: 3 Days Outside of My Comfort Zone

I tried something new this past weekend: I attended a 3-day yoga festival. I have been to many music festivals and I have attended my share of multi-day conferences for work, but never have I ever attempted to immerse myself in yoga for more than 45 minutes at a time. Until now.

The Love Yoga Fest took place in beautiful Falmouth, Massachusetts at the Sea Crest Beach Hotel (which is, you guessed it, right on the beach). It began on Friday, September 20th and went through Sunday, September 22nd.

As the Love Yoga Fest people explain on their website, "[Their] goal is to create a fun, safe, and healthy environment in which to expand your knowledge in all areas of health and well-being. At Love Yoga Fest you will be surrounded by like-minded people and contribute to the world beyond your yoga mat."

When I first heard about it 6 months ago, I was interested and curious and a little intimidated. But I decided to sign up and give it a chance. After all, I am attempting my 200-hour yoga teacher certification; what better way to live and breathe the yogi way than to surround myself with "like-minded people"?

I documented my experiences from each day of this festival to share with you. So if you ever wanted to know what non-stop yoga-ing is like from a regular gal's perspective, please read on.

Day 1: Lessons on Being Human

This is NOT your mother’s yoga…unless your mother happens to be an intense yogi, that is. I’m going to be a bit sore after today’s practice, this I know.

I participated in a couple of hour-long yoga sessions on the first day of the Love Yoga Fest and truthfully my body was not fully prepared for it. Before arriving at the Sea Crest Beach Hotel, it had been a couple of weeks since I last did any yoga stretches at all (as the busyness of life kind of got in the way) so my muscles and joints were stiff and resistant. But the best thing for stiff and resistant muscles and joints is…you guessed it…YOGA.

I was 10 minutes late for my first class. Ha, what a great way to kick things off on day 1, right? It was not my intention to arrive late, of course, but Falmouth, MA is an hour and 40 minutes from where I live and my first class was at 9:15 a.m., so I literally got there as quickly as my car and Friday morning traffic would allow. Not only was I a few minutes late for my first yoga class of the weekend, but I also accidentally left my yoga mat in my car in all my rushing to get inside the building and get checked in. Naturally I realized my error AFTER I was let into the quiet classroom where the two instructors were already engaged with the students – who were all sitting dutifully on their yoga mats. Doh!

I knew in that moment I had a choice to make: slink out of the class and miss the lesson, or go with it. I chose to go with it.  I didn’t want to miss the class and truthfully, this wouldn’t be the first time (or probably the last) that I did yoga directly on a rug instead of on a mat. Even though I was the only one in the room not sitting on a mat (and man do I hate being singled out as the only one doing anything), I made a conscious decision to focus on the lesson, the movements and breaths, and to allow myself to get lost in the yoga. And it turned out to be an awesome class.

We’re all human, we make mistakes. Sometimes we arrive late for a class or forget our yoga mats or stumble when we walk or pose. Today was a lesson for me on being human; it was a lovely and humbling reminder that even when I have the best intentions, I will still goof up sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have a positive experience anyway. Sure my knees are a bit sore from getting down on the floor without the cushion of a mat, but I also got to give myself a gift of peace of mind for an hour this morning.

Day 2: Dig A Little Deeper

So the drama with my yoga mat continued today. As I was leaving my hotel room for my first session at 8 a.m., I realized my yoga mat was not in my room with me. This means I left it somewhere yesterday. And I was in a lot of places yesterday, so it literally could be anywhere. I went to work in retracing my steps and speaking to 3 different “lost & found” stations at the hotel but alas, no one had my little blue yoga mat. So I went ahead and purchased a new mat from one of the many vendors available at this weekend’s festival. A minor blip in my weekend’s activities…but once I had the (new) mat in my possession, I was ready to face the day.

I did some cool stuff today and met some great people, but two things in particular stand out:

1. The name of the session was Calm, Centered, & Grounded and it was hands down the best mini-workshop I have ever attended. It was led by Sara DiVello, and if you don’t know who she is, definitely Google her. She is an exceptionally relatable, down to earth, authentic soul who uses humor and humanity to connect with and help those who suffer from anxiety. During today’s workshop she showed us how we can use EFT tapping to manage anxiety. She also invited us to share our fears and anxieties out loud, and while this is a very vulnerable and humbling thing to do, there were many people who volunteered to share. When one brave soul shared a very personal struggle and broke down into tears, Sara got down on the floor with her and gave her a hug. It brought me to tears to see such genuine love and compassion between two strangers. I also had a chance to meet Sara face to face after the session ended; I went up and introduced myself, thanked her for the amazing class, and I purchased her book, Where in the OM Am I? One Woman’s Journey from the Corporate World to the Yoga Mat. She even signed the book for me, and I am still fangirling over the whole thing.

2. Speaking of fangirling, do you know who Seane Corn is? If not, let me tell you, she is a big celebrity in the yoga world. Google her too. 😊 I happened to see her standing in the hotel lobby gabbing with someone earlier in the day and I was totally star-struck. I played it cool and didn’t stare, but I felt the positive and warm energy of being near something (someone) magnificent. And on top of that, I got to take a yoga class led by Seane today - and it was intense and amazing at the same time. The main theme I got from her yoga session is that I need to dig a little deeper – physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. She pushed my body and my mind to the edge of my limits and challenged me to feel all the feelings, good and bad. It made me realize that I have been hiding behind beginner yoga classes for a long time, and that going forward I need to dig a little deeper and push myself a little more. And while she had us in a particularly difficult asana this afternoon during our yoga session, I remember feeling very agitated (as sometimes happens when you are pushed and forced to face a challenge) – and then I smiled  - because I was feeling agitated toward my yoga teacher, SEANE FREAKING CORN. How awesome is that? And to put this in perspective for those of you who had never heard of Seane Corn before now - it would be like if Tom Brady took a day to coach a local high school football team. A-maz-ing.     

Today was a very emotional day for me. I cried a few times. I laughed a few times. I lost and found a yoga mat. Overall, day 2 was a big success.

Day 3: Recovery

On the third and final day at the yoga retreat, I took it easy. After so much yoga-ing over the last couple of days, I needed to take it slow, and today was the perfect day for it.

I started my day by doing yoga on the beach. What a cool way to practice! The feel of the sand under me, the sounds and smells of the ocean, and the sun shining down – it was all too perfect for words. Before today, I had never practiced yoga in the sand. It has its challenges for sure, but it definitely adds a special depth to the practice. I really enjoyed having the sounds of nature (and laughing children) around me as I stretched.

And I ended my day by attending a Recovery Yoga class. It was led by a woman who teaches yoga and mindfulness to people overcoming trauma and addiction. The session was truly inspiring; we all sat in a circle and were allowed to share about our lives if we felt comfortable doing so. We discussed hope as our main topic, and many people shared how even though they were overcoming addictions of various sorts, they still felt hopeful. After the discussion the teacher led us in a slow and deliberate restorative session. This was a poignant and lovely way to close out my weekend at this intense yoga event.

To sum up...

It's now the day after the 2019 Love Yoga Fest has ended and I have to say I am so very glad I did this. Even though I have always enjoyed yoga, this 3-day festival truly changed my perspective. I now know what kind of yoga teacher I want to be. And I am grateful for the opportunity to have connected with so many amazing souls over the last couple of days. When I say that the energy here at this festival was warm and positive and loving, I mean it. I have never been in such a warm and loving place before.

Admittedly, a yoga festival is way outside of my comfort zone. I tend to walk through life with my arms crossed, closed off from everyone around me. I don't really let people in. But in a place like the Love Yoga Fest, I couldn't remain closed off. It just wasn't possible. And that was a scary concept for me at first. But once I embraced the love and warmth from those around me, I felt good. Probably the best I have felt in a very long time.

I know I have said this before in other blog posts but it bears repeating: magic is what happens outside of your comfort zone. You don't have to attend a yoga festival or run a marathon or give up alcohol or coffee - but if you have the chance to try something new, to push yourself beyond what feels warm and snuggly for you, do it. You might just be amazed at what happens. 💖

A Lot Can Happen In A Year: How I Became the Best Version of Me at 40

I have heard people say “life begins at 40” but I truly didn’t believe it until I reached that milestone last year. Allow me to share with you the best year of my life so far…

I’m going to pretend to be Sophia from The Golden Girls right now and say, “Picture it, July 2018”…I was only 5 months into being 40 years old and I was depressed, anxious, overweight, and desperate to make a positive change in my life. I was literally consumed with worry every single day; mostly I was obsessed with the fact that my life was half over. Turning 40 had flipped a switch in my brain and it made me feel lost and completely out of control. Yes, I was the epitome of the clichéd mid-life crisis.

I remember one day as I was getting ready for work, I looked over at the bookshelf in my bedroom and was struck with a devastating and terrifying thought: I will never get to read all of the books in the world! I started freaking out and immediately dove into a panic spiral: I have wasted half of my life and I could have been reading – now I have missed my chance to read all of the books! I am 40 and I’ll be lucky if I can even read all of the books on my personal “to read” list before I die, never mind anything else. Think of all the amazing literature I will never have a chance to see because I won’t have time to read it all! It’s so unfair! I need more time!

And so on and so on…

Crazy, right? I mean, no person can read all of the books in the world, nor would they want to. I don’t even want to. But the realization that suddenly I couldn’t possibly read all of the books in the world set me off. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this particular example of panic was really about my mortality. Like I said, turning 40 flipped a switch in me, and it was not pretty.

After the weird book panic attack, I knew I needed to make a change and fast. If my life was truly “half over” as I kept telling myself, I certainly did not want to live the second half of it in a constant state of panic and despair.  That was just unacceptable to me.

In a world where you have almost no control over anything, it’s important to find the little things you know you do have control over and focus on those. For me, it was my health. To be clear, I understand I don’t have FULL control over my health (as I’m aware that a person can do everything right and still get sick), but I also know there are proactive actions one can take to reduce sickness and to prolong life. At that point in time there were specific aspects of my own health that I knew needed to change and they were definitely within my span of control, so I got working on them. Over the span of 7 months I slowly and steadily removed alcohol, sugar, and flour from my diet. I reduced my caffeine intake and started taking vitamins every single day. I also started incorporating regular exercise into my routine and I began practicing yoga and meditation.

I didn’t just make physical changes to my life, I worked on my attitude and my perspective as well. I stopped telling myself that my life is half over because that is a terribly negative way to look at things. Instead I am trying to be more mindful by focusing on what’s directly in front of me, soaking in every experience (both good and bad).  When worry starts to creep in about the frailty of life, I acknowledge it and then gently remind myself that I am a vibrant, healthy, strong person who is going to do her best to live the longest and best life possible. It might sound silly, but it totally works.

Over time, I started noticing that I felt less and less panicked and those weird freak outs about my mortality became less and less frequent. In fact, I started feeling happy most of the time. Two days ago I realized that I was smiling to myself as I was driving into work and I caught myself thinking, “Wow, I genuinely feel really good today”. It wasn’t a particularly special day, just a regular Monday, but I still felt elated. It was nice.

This past year has been the best one in my life so far because I feel like I finally figured out who I am – and best of all, I am happy with what I discovered. I spent a lot of time as a teenager and in early adulthood trying to please others – my parents, my friends, my teachers, my bosses, etc. I wanted the world to love me and accept me and because of this I felt empty most of the time. Now I am just focusing on loving and accepting myself and no offense, to hell with everyone else. J As long as I have me, I will be okay. I also stopped trying to mold myself into the person I think others want me to be.Sometimes that means I am anxious or grumpy or silly or quiet. But now what you see is what you get with me, no more trying to be the best version of me for everyone; now I am allowing myself to just be...me.

When I first turned 40 last year I was afraid of what the next half of my life would be like. Now I am excited for it. I have a knowledge and peace of mind that I could never have achieved in my 20s or even my 30s. I needed all of that time leading up to now – it was time well spent (even if I didn’t read all of the books in the world, ha ha!) figuring out who I am and what I want from life. And for me personally, making important health changes, like abstaining from drinking alcohol, made a huge positive impact in my journey. It gave me clarity and peace. It might not be the right path for others, but it totally was the right path for me.

A lot can happen in a year. I am grateful for my cliché mid-life crisis because it forced me to really look at my life and make some important changes. When I turned 41 in February of this year I didn’t fall into a funk or spin out into a panic. I ate some birthday cake and congratulated myself on another amazing year being me.

I Don't Have My Shit Together...And That's Okay

First, she gave up alcohol. The girl was unhappy in a big way, and she was certain alcohol was the root of her suffering. And after removing alcohol from her system, she did feel better physically, but mentally she was still discontent.

Next, she gave up sugar and flour. After doing a lot of research on healthy diet and its connection to mental wellness, she was certain that sugar and flour (and alcohol) were the root of her suffering. Remove those toxins and she shall be free! And after removing sugar and flour from her daily diet, along with alcohol, she did feel even better physically (and she started to lose those extra pounds she has been carrying for some time), but mentally she was still discontent.

And then she gave up caffeine. The girl's anxiety was still plaguing her, even after changing much of her daily food and drink consumption, and she was certain that caffeine (and sugar, flour, and alcohol) were the root of her suffering. And after removing caffeine from her system (for the most part), along with the aforementioned additives and alcohol, she did feel a lot less anxious, but yet she was still discontent.

The girl wondered, "Why oh why am I still discontent after making so many positive physical changes in my life?"

Ah, the answer is easy, my friends: while alcohol, sugar, flour, and caffeine can all have negative effects on one's body, especially if one is in the habit of consuming these things in excess, they are not the root of the girl's suffering at all. Instead, they were all vehicles in which the girl channeled her discontent. Simply put: they were not the problem, but symptoms of the problem.

In the last couple of months I have started studying yoga philosophy and have begun practicing meditation regularly. Doing so has really had an impact on me. And I decided to take this new approach to my health because I realized after 7 months of being alcohol-free, 3 months being sugar and flour-free, and 1 month being (mostly) caffeine-free, that the source of my discontent was inside of me, not inside a beer bottle or a piece of cake or a coffee mug. You can cut out every toxic substance in the world from your diet and take your vitamins everyday, but doing that won't fix the issues you have in your head. So now I am working on that. 

I did already knew all of this before I started my health journey last August, but I think I needed to separate out the symptoms from the problem first before I could see it clearly. I needed to step away from my traditional coping mechanisms (drinking and eating) for a significant period of time in order to see that my coping mechanisms weren't causing my discontent at all. In the fog of my unhappiness, I couldn't see which way was up. And so I needed to clear some of that mess away in order to get my head on straight. 

For the record, I don't claim to have life all figured out. Not even close. I definitely do not have my shit together. Truthfully, I'm kind of a mess. But right now, at this juncture, I feel totally okay about that. Six months ago I did not feel okay about that, I thought I needed to get it all in line asap and be amazing and healthy and then everything would fall magically into place. Being a mess made me feel lost and out of control. Um, hello, the whole point of life is the journey of figuring your shit out, right? It's all about the lessons, man. It's not about me trying to take control of every single thing and get it all right on the first try. If I had life all figured out now at age 41, wouldn't that be so frigging boring? I think it would. If I had my shit together I'd miss out on the entire human experience in all of its crazy, awful, awesome chaos.

Hold the phone, break-through moment: did I just let go and accept what is? Holy cow. 

I am proud to say I am making big strides on my mental health and wellness, meditation and yoga have done wonders for me and I am in such a good place now. As I said before, I don't have it all figured out, but I do feel like I am on a good path. And I have started letting up on some the extremes in my life. People always say "everything in moderation". In fact, that was something I used to say jokingly when I was not eating or drinking in moderation. 😊But it's really true - I am starting to see that the key to my own contentment in life is to find a balance in everything and to do more of what is good and right for me and the world and less of what is bad and wrong. And to accept myself as I am. Sounds like an oversimplification, but for me it works. 

Yes, for the most part I am continuing to live a healthy lifestyle, still working on losing weight, still trying not to consume too much of the "bad stuff", but if I want to indulge in something decadent once in a while, whether it's a tall craft beer or a piece of chocolate cake, I give myself permission to do that.

Balance, my friends. ✌

Mental Health Pro-Tip: Don't Let Social Media Define Your Self Worth

I have a confession to make. I recently did something that I never thought I would do: I allowed social media to affect my self-esteem. Insert shocked emoji face here. I mean, I am 41 years old. I am a grown-up for goodness sake. My self worth should not ever be based on how many "likes" I get on Facebook, but yet, here I am, confessing that very thing. 

I did not grow up with the internet. The first time I ever laid eyes on the "web" was Freshman year of college in 1996 when a librarian tried to teach me how to use search engines to do research for English class. I remember thinking to myself, "Psshht, I'll never use that". Meanwhile, now in 2019 I probably use Google at least a dozen times a day for work alone, never mind for leisure. Shows how much I knew in 1996. Anyway, getting back to my point - I knew life before the internet and before social media. I didn't start using email until I graduated college and got my first job. I didn't get my first cell phone until I was 25, and it was a flip phone without a texting plan. In fact, I didn't even get a smart phone until 2011, so internet and social media weren't always at my fingertips. I even had a MySpace account - it doesn't get more retro than that, right? So you could say that for a majority of my life, technology was not at the top of my list of "things that are important to me". In fact, technology was barely on my radar until about 10 years ago when I first joined Facebook.

It's no secret that social media has a lot of pros: it allows me to stay connected to friends and family (even if we live far away from one another), it provides a 24/7/365 connection to people all over the world, it helps me stay on top of pop culture and important news, and it gives me an outlet to share photos, articles, personal blog posts (like this one), and other things I feel are important. The con is that social media can also inundate us with information, both good and bad, and it can be hard to be on the receiving end of all of that. And because social media gives us that 24/7/365 connection to people all over the world, it literally is a never ending cycle of sharing, posting, liking, tweeting, commenting, blogging, snapchatting, and God knows what else. So it's up to us to know when to step away and take a break, and it isn't always easy to do that.

In fact, I am currently on a social media break right now. This time, though, it's because I started noticing I was caring too much about the "likes" I was getting on Facebook, and it was actually affecting my self-esteem. It pains me to even admit that, because in my opinion it's a silly thing to care about. But before you judge me as a superficial weirdo, allow me to explain myself. 

I recently shared something personal on Facebook that I felt was a really big deal. I debated on whether or not I should share it and it took over a week for me to decide. So in my mind, this post that I shared with my friends was both personal and important. I definitely did not expect all 195 of my friends on Facebook to comment or cheer about what I wrote, but I also didn't expect only 2 people to "like" the post either. It kind of crushed me a little. Now, I know that Facebook has a crazy algorithm that dictates what people see or don't see on their newsfeeds, and I also know that many people don't log onto Facebook as frequently as I do, so it is quite possible that most people I am friends with on that site didn't even see my post. And the ones who did see it and scrolled past it, perhaps it wasn't a topic of interest or the post was too long to bother with. Just because I thought the post was important doesn't mean it was important to everyone else, I get that. And no one could have known how personal it was to me, they are not inside my head. But still, it affected me. Because as it turns out, I am human. Damn that human emotion. 

I let myself bum out over this for a hot minute, then I decided to take a break from social media for a while. Not because I am "taking my ball and going home" so-to-speak - more because if I care that much about people liking my Facebook posts, then I clearly need a big fat timeout from social media. Time to get my priorities in order, my friends.

Just before I decided to take a break from social media I received an unexpected private message on Facebook from a person in a closed group I belong to. She said that even if people don't like or comment on things I post online, she and many others are reading what I share and they are proud of me for putting myself out there. I have never spoken to this woman before and this was the first time she ever reached out to me. I was so touched and the support from this stranger was so kind and reaffirming. It made me realize that I was totally allowing social media to define my self-worth. I was superficially looking at "likes" on Facebook as if they defined the love I have in real life and that was crazy. 

We are so much more than the number of friends we have on Facebook. Or the number of followers we have on Twitter or Instagram. We're more loved in this world than any number of "likes" on social media could ever provide. We are not defined by the highlight reel on our newsfeed. We are defined by the love we give and the love we accept every day from the people in our lives. Just know that if we are friends on social media and I inadvertently scrolled past something you posted that was meaningful or personal, it does not mean I don't care. I see you, my friend. And I support and love you, in real life. 💓

Taking a break from social media allows me a chance to get back to basics a little, and I need that right now. Back to a time when I connected with people on a more meaningful level. Back to a time when technology wasn't a top priority. Back to a time when I enjoyed the moment I was in and didn't feel the need to take a picture to post on Instagram. Back to a time when I knew myself and didn't need to rely on Facebook "likes" to feel like I accomplished something. 

But I won't go back to the time when I thought search engines were useless. Because that's just stupid. 😄