That's basically true for anything I do in life. I have this personal policy of doing what feels good, and if it stops feeling good, then I let it go.
Jobs, relationships, hobbies, anything - as long I like them at least 1% more than not liking them, I stick to them. But if that switch should flip, then I re-evaluate as needed.
I'm all for sticking to a challenge and seeing it through, but I also refuse to repeatedly feel mental or physical distress for long stretches of time. I don't see it as quitting, but instead I think of it as being mindful of what my body and mind both need, and taking heed of that. It's a deliberate act of not ignoring the glaringly obvious signs in front of me saying, "STOP!"
Letting go of what doesn't feel right for me is a way for me to show myself kindness and compassion, something I am getting better at doing for myself more and more as I get older.
So back to running...as I said before, up until now I always enjoyed it more than I didn't. That's what kept me going and what kept me signing up for and running long distance races. I couldn't possibly have completed 4 full marathons, 5 half marathons, and countless other distances if I didn't enjoy running. For me, I was into it physically and mentally - but if I ever lost one or the other, I knew my running days would probably be over.
Which brings me to today. I have been trying to train for the upcoming Falmouth Road Race taking place in August of this year, and the struggle has been real, my friends. While I did run a bit in 2020 during lockdown (all virtual races, of course - including a half marathon and a full marathon), trying to get back to regular running this year has been extremely painful.
And it hit me today as I attempted to run 2 miles: I don't want to do this anymore. I now officially dislike running more than I like it. Make no mistake, running has never been easy for me as I am not athletically built/trained/skilled, but even when it was hard, it was still always fun for me. I mostly did it for the bragging rights, but I also liked how I felt when I ran; it was a form of meditation for me. Running got me outside of my head for a while, and there are very few things out there that can do that.
For the last 3 weeks of attempting to get my butt in gear to train for this 7-mile race on the Cape, I couldn't figure out why I was struggling. It wasn't just feeling physically difficult whenever I went for a run, but it also felt like my brain was screaming "NO!" every single time. But I kept trying...I figured maybe I have been feeling tired lately, or feeling resistant because the weather has been hot and humid, or maybe it's the trail I am running on, perhaps I need a change in scenery. So I kept switching up the time of day I would run, where I would run, the distance. I ran on cool days and warm days. I ran and ran and ran even though I kept thinking, "I don't want to run".
As the great Kenny Rogers once said, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em". It finally occurred to me today that I am ready to fold 'em. The reason I haven't been able to get back into running again is because...my running days might be over.
I vaguely remember telling people in my life in years past that I was ready to give up running, but I never felt done with it then - just in need of a break. And I'd take long breaks from doing it and then eventually feel refreshed and ready to give it a shot again.
So what's different now?
Well, for one thing, I'm older. My body is still physically strong but it doesn't quite bounce back as resiliently as it used to. When I run any distance now, I feel it for days. And it's not a satisfying soreness that makes me feel proud, like it used to. It's a "man I feel older than my 43 years today" kind of pain.
Also, I am just in a place mentally and emotionally now where running no longer helps me feel good - instead I enjoy taking 2-3 mile walks every day while I listen to podcasts. That's kind of my jam. And I have been on a hiatus from yoga for a few months, but that activity also offers me the time and space I need to feel well physically and mentally - more so than running does now.
In short, running just isn't doing it for me anymore. I love the glory of completing a difficult race (and let's face it, they were all difficult for the most part), but not enough to keep going.
Back to my earlier statement about letting go of what no longer suits me...I know it's time to let go of running. I asked myself today if I might run the Falmouth Road Race this year and then officially retire from running after crossing that finish line, but I struggled to even complete a mile this morning during my run; the very thought of running 7 miles feels as daunting as a full marathon now.
My head and heart are just not in it.
If I were running on behalf of a charity, I would absolutely plan to do the race in August (even if it meant walking it), but since the only person counting on me to do that race is, well, me, I am okay with rescinding my decision to run that race. Because who really benefits from me pushing myself to do something I really don't want to do?
So my retirement from running officially begins today.
I wanted to write about this today not to explain my complicated relationship with running or to justify why I am not going to do it anymore, but instead to shine a light on how important it is for us all to listen to our hearts, minds, and bodies. It can be tough to know when to stick to something even when you're struggling and when to let go and step away altogether. My advice is this: don't ever shy away from a challenge, but also, don't stay too long at the party either.
You've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Always do what's right for you (only you know what that is), and stay healthy, my friends. 💕
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| Me & All of the Many Medals I Earned During My Illustrious Running Days |
