Accentuate the Positive

As my family (and the world) approaches week 3 of preventive quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic, I wanted to share some positive things I have noticed over the last week.

I admit that I don't feel positive every day. I don't even feel good for most of any given day. A lot of the times lately, I feel overwhelmed, sad, scared, and downright paranoid. BUT (and this is a BIG BUT), I am really trying to find some good in all this mess. It's kind of the only thing keeping me sane right now. That and my Amazon Fire Stick.

• Kindness from Strangers: Lots of  it when you look around. I was standing in my driveway the other day as my kids were drawing with chalk, and a total stranger driving down my street smiled at me and waved as she drove by. I smiled and waved back. Sure, she could have been mistaking me for someone else, but what I really think happened is she saw a family finding a fun outdoor activity together and it made her smile. The few times I have been to the store to pick up essentials, people are keeping their distance from one another but they are smiling more at one another. It made me realize how little we did this before. I have also seen a lot of kindness on social media, of all places - people in my town are volunteering to shovel snow, pick up groceries or medications, or walk dogs of people who can't get out and about during these challenging times. My town Facebook group used to consist of a lot of bickering about trash pick up, school bus delays, and other things that are no longer in the forefront of anyone's minds. Now our page is mostly full of uplifting and positive messages, and genuine kindness, like this:

• The Freedom to be Weird: Things that were once weird just aren't anymore, and that feels very freeing to me right now. This morning I went and stood on my front lawn in my PJs and just stared out at nothing. I just wanted fresh air for a few minutes. And it didn't feel weird to me at all, in fact, it felt good. I doubt anyone driving or walking by would have given me a second look. Sometimes standing in my yard is the only outdoor activity I do now. I try to do more than that but it hasn't been easy with my work schedule and you know, my paranoia. And people get that, because we're all in the same messed up, sinking boat.

• We're All In This: What's going on now is scary, no doubt, but a small part of me feels comforted knowing that everyone - celebrities, politicians, neighbors, friends, strangers - everyone is going through the same thing at the same time. After 9/11, we banded together in a similar way. "These colors don't run" and "United we stand, divided we fall" were phrases repeated often during that time. People came together in a special and meaningful way to grieve and comfort one another, and that is what's happening now, too. "We're all in this together" and "Stay healthy, be well" are phrases repeated often now. It shouldn't take a tragedy to bring us together, but I'm grateful for the community love and warmth I have been witnessing not just in the US, but all over the world. It helps me feel less alone.

• Embracing Technology to Stay Connected: In an effort to make it so the whole world doesn't come to a screeching halt, so many companies have flipped the switch and are now offering training, meetings, and other social engagements using technology like Skype or Zoom. Organizations that had not even considered virtual activity have completely embraced it within the span of 2 weeks. Those of us who have school-age children are connecting with their teachers and classmates through email, Google classroom, and other online platforms. Colleges have gone to a completely virtual learning education plan for the remainder of this year. My local yoga studio is now offering classes on Zoom. At work our daily morning touch-base meetings are now completely virtual using Skype, and if I may say it, they are running like clockwork and are probably better attended now than when the meetings were conducted in person. I also cannot believe how many musicians have jumped on the bandwagon and started offering free online concerts using Facebook or Instagram Live. Even my church is offering live streaming worship services on Sundays. We all had access to this technology for some time, but in the last 2 to 3 weeks, it has completely blown up - in a good way. My gut tells me that when we eventually go back to face-to-face life, a lot of this virtual stuff will still hang around and be part of the "new normal". I'm sure my yoga studio will be overjoyed to go back to offering in-person classes, but I can see the virtual Zoom classes staying in place as an option for people who really enjoy doing yoga in the privacy of their own home. This crazy life we are living in right now has altered our "normal" and has given us an opportunity to try new things. 

It's easy to get caught up in the negative stuff, because there's so much of it, but if you look closely, very closely, you'll find there's a lot to be grateful for.

Stay well, my friends. 💛

I'm Not Okay...And That's Okay

I am not okay.

Like everyone else, my emotions lately have been swinging from terrified to confused to stressed on a pretty regular basis.

The first 7 days in COVID-19 preventive quarantine for me and my family were tough. I am working from home now, and I work in HR for a healthcare organization, so you can imagine how busy my days have become. In between conference calls and projects I am also trying to be there for my kids, making them food, helping them with the academic "enrichment" work their teachers have provided for them, and trying to help them feel as normal as they possibly can feel (which is not an easy task these days). Because of the nature of my job, I am busier now than I was when things were "normal", which definitely does not make life easier at home. And I am grateful to have a job and am in no way complaining for having too much work to do (in fact, I am incredibly proud to work for a company that is essentially on the front lines of the COVID-19 pandemic and is doing all they can to help people), but it's still pretty stressful a lot of the time.

On top of all that, one of my good friends told me this past week that she was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I'm not going to go making her diagnosis all about me, but it bears mentioning because she is a dear friend and her news truly felt like a solid punch to the gut at a time when I was already feeling pretty destroyed.

I'm worried and scared all the time now. I am worried and scared for my friend who is about to battle breast cancer (as well as another friend who is already battling cancer), I am worried and scared for my family and friends during this awful pandemic, and I am worried and scared for the world in general. It's a lot of weight to bear.

I'm noticing my self-care and mental wellness are being affected by the ongoing anxiety and stress I am feeling lately. I am eating a lot of junk food, not sleeping well, not exercising, and sitting for hours on end in front of my laptop during each work day. I am finding myself falling into old habits and bad patterns because I am searching for comfort and stability in this crazy and unpredictable time. But aren't we all?

I am not okay. But that's okay, because no one is and no one expects me to be either. I am writing this just to get it off my chest. I have spent a lot of my life masking my anxiety and pretending like I am okay and THAT in itself is a heavy weight to bear. Acting like it's all good when I am really freaking out on the inside is an old hat trick of mine. And it always made things way worse. So I am done playing that game. I am here to say that I am going out of mind with worry, the uncertainty of life right now is making me feel anxious, depressed, and it's making me question a lot of things. And that's totally normal. We're all losing it a little. So let's just all admit that, be there for each other, and do our best each day moving forward. It's all we can do.

And for your amusement, here is a pic of me attempting to do yoga this morning:

I had my phone set up to take some yoga selfies so I could share some poses on my Facebook and Instagram accounts (in lieu of teaching yoga in person, which has halted for the time being, like everything else). As I was going into Child's Pose (which for non-yoga people essentially is a resting pose where I am face down on the mat, resting on my heels and hands), I looked up at the camera and made this face as the camera snapped. And then I laughed, because this basically sums up how I have felt for the past 7 days. Nailed it.

To my friends and family and beyond - please hang in there. I know you're not okay. None of us are. But we will be. Remember the days, weeks, and months following 9/11. I remember thinking I would never feel normal again after that. And even though things changed forever after that tragedy, eventually, we all did heal, and we did find our way back to okay.

How One Germaphobe Hyponchondriac is Staying Sane During the COVID-19 Pandemic

So, yeah, we’re all currently living in a weird nightmare with this COVID-19 pandemic panic, right?

I have been joking (to myself) these last few days that I have been preparing for this moment my whole life. You see, I am a fun combination of germaphobe and hypochondriac. A combo like that is ideal for a pandemic; I am fully prepared to remain on high alert and to take intense precautions to keep germs away from my body. And I’ll probably be thinking I have COVID-19 for weeks until the panic dies down, so that will mean I’ll stay in virtual isolation, thus protecting others from my own germs. Wow, imagine that, my anxiety issues are finally coming in handy after all this time.

That should all be read with a sarcastic tone, just in case you weren't sure. 😏 

I joke, but I also get this is a serious situation. I’m not intending to make light of the real fear people are feeling right now, nor do I think mental illness/anxiety is funny (I really do suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I struggle with germaphobia and hyponchondria everyday). What I do think is that I need to find some way to find humor and joy in all this mess, so that’s where I’m at right now.

And all of this obsessing and worrying can be pretty exhausting, especially during “trying times like these”. (Seriously, if I receive one more email with that phrase, I might toss my laptop out the window).

So here’s how I am staying sane right now; maybe these tips can help you, too:

·         I am focusing on the things I can control: the reason I get anxious about illness in general, never mind COVID-19, is because of my perceived lack of control when it comes to getting sick. The truth is, you can do everything right and still end up sick, and that always scares me. But when it starts to overwhelm me, I make a mental list of all the things in my span of control that I can do to be as healthy as possible, and I focus on them. Taking vitamins, washing my hands, staying in smaller groups and keeping a sizeable distance from others, wiping down my work station and the inside of my car with sanitation wipes, getting plenty of rest and water, and paying attention to my body and symptoms.

·         I channel my energy into something useful: Anxiety gives me a lot of excess energy, which can make it hard (sometimes impossible) for me to relax. I have found the best way to combat that energy is to exercise. I run, do yoga, and meditate regularly. I have started teaching yoga. I throw myself into big work projects so I can do what I do best – problem solving. Sometimes I take a workshop or a class. Doing these things helps me burn off anxious energy and gives me something positive to focus on in the meantime.

·         I take a deep breath, and accept what is: This one is usually easier said than done. But sometimes you just have to accept what is happening around you. It’s easier to swim with the current instead of against it. When you allow yourself to float along, it can be a little scary relinquishing that urge to control everything, but it’s definitely not as scary as thrashing and fighting the panic. This has become my general rule of thumb when it comes to managing my anxiety. The more I allow myself to accept the uncontrollable situations around me, the less panicky I feel.

·        I give myself and others a little (or a lot of) grace and forgive the humanness of it all: This past week has reminded me of the months that followed 9/11/01; when mass hysteria ensues, it can sometimes bring out our least flattering traits. We panic and go into survival mode and before you know it, people are saying and doing things they normally wouldn’t. Being scared is no excuse to be rude, but I understand where it comes from, and I can empathize with that fear. And I forgive myself and others for needing to be a little human and maybe not dealing with life perfectly. Fear can also bring people together too – I am hoping to see more of that in the coming days.

And lastly, because I just needed to share one more humorous thing with you, here is a meme I just created to describe how I am feeling this week:

This is actually one of my favorite scenes from Game of Thrones. Jon Snow is alone in this moment and he draws his sword to face an enormous army that is charging at him. I have seen this episode more than once and I always get choked up when I watch this scene.

But I laugh at this meme now, because this is quite literally how I feel – standing here alone, trying to be brave, and this pandemic is just charging at me, full speed. And all I can do is raise my sword and pray. Or in this case, wash my hands. Hand washing is my sword!

But for those who have seen the Game of Thrones series, don’t forget how this particular episode ended. The pandemic won’t win. It will be messy and scary and it will definitely get worse before it gets better, but in the end we will get through this.

So for now, take a deep breath, try to remain calm, and of course, wash your damn hands.😀