I'm Not Okay...And That's Okay

I am not okay.

Like everyone else, my emotions lately have been swinging from terrified to confused to stressed on a pretty regular basis.

The first 7 days in COVID-19 preventive quarantine for me and my family were tough. I am working from home now, and I work in HR for a healthcare organization, so you can imagine how busy my days have become. In between conference calls and projects I am also trying to be there for my kids, making them food, helping them with the academic "enrichment" work their teachers have provided for them, and trying to help them feel as normal as they possibly can feel (which is not an easy task these days). Because of the nature of my job, I am busier now than I was when things were "normal", which definitely does not make life easier at home. And I am grateful to have a job and am in no way complaining for having too much work to do (in fact, I am incredibly proud to work for a company that is essentially on the front lines of the COVID-19 pandemic and is doing all they can to help people), but it's still pretty stressful a lot of the time.

On top of all that, one of my good friends told me this past week that she was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I'm not going to go making her diagnosis all about me, but it bears mentioning because she is a dear friend and her news truly felt like a solid punch to the gut at a time when I was already feeling pretty destroyed.

I'm worried and scared all the time now. I am worried and scared for my friend who is about to battle breast cancer (as well as another friend who is already battling cancer), I am worried and scared for my family and friends during this awful pandemic, and I am worried and scared for the world in general. It's a lot of weight to bear.

I'm noticing my self-care and mental wellness are being affected by the ongoing anxiety and stress I am feeling lately. I am eating a lot of junk food, not sleeping well, not exercising, and sitting for hours on end in front of my laptop during each work day. I am finding myself falling into old habits and bad patterns because I am searching for comfort and stability in this crazy and unpredictable time. But aren't we all?

I am not okay. But that's okay, because no one is and no one expects me to be either. I am writing this just to get it off my chest. I have spent a lot of my life masking my anxiety and pretending like I am okay and THAT in itself is a heavy weight to bear. Acting like it's all good when I am really freaking out on the inside is an old hat trick of mine. And it always made things way worse. So I am done playing that game. I am here to say that I am going out of mind with worry, the uncertainty of life right now is making me feel anxious, depressed, and it's making me question a lot of things. And that's totally normal. We're all losing it a little. So let's just all admit that, be there for each other, and do our best each day moving forward. It's all we can do.

And for your amusement, here is a pic of me attempting to do yoga this morning:

I had my phone set up to take some yoga selfies so I could share some poses on my Facebook and Instagram accounts (in lieu of teaching yoga in person, which has halted for the time being, like everything else). As I was going into Child's Pose (which for non-yoga people essentially is a resting pose where I am face down on the mat, resting on my heels and hands), I looked up at the camera and made this face as the camera snapped. And then I laughed, because this basically sums up how I have felt for the past 7 days. Nailed it.

To my friends and family and beyond - please hang in there. I know you're not okay. None of us are. But we will be. Remember the days, weeks, and months following 9/11. I remember thinking I would never feel normal again after that. And even though things changed forever after that tragedy, eventually, we all did heal, and we did find our way back to okay.