I Don't Have My Shit Together...And That's Okay

First, she gave up alcohol. The girl was unhappy in a big way, and she was certain alcohol was the root of her suffering. And after removing alcohol from her system, she did feel better physically, but mentally she was still discontent.

Next, she gave up sugar and flour. After doing a lot of research on healthy diet and its connection to mental wellness, she was certain that sugar and flour (and alcohol) were the root of her suffering. Remove those toxins and she shall be free! And after removing sugar and flour from her daily diet, along with alcohol, she did feel even better physically (and she started to lose those extra pounds she has been carrying for some time), but mentally she was still discontent.

And then she gave up caffeine. The girl's anxiety was still plaguing her, even after changing much of her daily food and drink consumption, and she was certain that caffeine (and sugar, flour, and alcohol) were the root of her suffering. And after removing caffeine from her system (for the most part), along with the aforementioned additives and alcohol, she did feel a lot less anxious, but yet she was still discontent.

The girl wondered, "Why oh why am I still discontent after making so many positive physical changes in my life?"

Ah, the answer is easy, my friends: while alcohol, sugar, flour, and caffeine can all have negative effects on one's body, especially if one is in the habit of consuming these things in excess, they are not the root of the girl's suffering at all. Instead, they were all vehicles in which the girl channeled her discontent. Simply put: they were not the problem, but symptoms of the problem.

In the last couple of months I have started studying yoga philosophy and have begun practicing meditation regularly. Doing so has really had an impact on me. And I decided to take this new approach to my health because I realized after 7 months of being alcohol-free, 3 months being sugar and flour-free, and 1 month being (mostly) caffeine-free, that the source of my discontent was inside of me, not inside a beer bottle or a piece of cake or a coffee mug. You can cut out every toxic substance in the world from your diet and take your vitamins everyday, but doing that won't fix the issues you have in your head. So now I am working on that. 

I did already knew all of this before I started my health journey last August, but I think I needed to separate out the symptoms from the problem first before I could see it clearly. I needed to step away from my traditional coping mechanisms (drinking and eating) for a significant period of time in order to see that my coping mechanisms weren't causing my discontent at all. In the fog of my unhappiness, I couldn't see which way was up. And so I needed to clear some of that mess away in order to get my head on straight. 

For the record, I don't claim to have life all figured out. Not even close. I definitely do not have my shit together. Truthfully, I'm kind of a mess. But right now, at this juncture, I feel totally okay about that. Six months ago I did not feel okay about that, I thought I needed to get it all in line asap and be amazing and healthy and then everything would fall magically into place. Being a mess made me feel lost and out of control. Um, hello, the whole point of life is the journey of figuring your shit out, right? It's all about the lessons, man. It's not about me trying to take control of every single thing and get it all right on the first try. If I had life all figured out now at age 41, wouldn't that be so frigging boring? I think it would. If I had my shit together I'd miss out on the entire human experience in all of its crazy, awful, awesome chaos.

Hold the phone, break-through moment: did I just let go and accept what is? Holy cow. 

I am proud to say I am making big strides on my mental health and wellness, meditation and yoga have done wonders for me and I am in such a good place now. As I said before, I don't have it all figured out, but I do feel like I am on a good path. And I have started letting up on some the extremes in my life. People always say "everything in moderation". In fact, that was something I used to say jokingly when I was not eating or drinking in moderation. 😊But it's really true - I am starting to see that the key to my own contentment in life is to find a balance in everything and to do more of what is good and right for me and the world and less of what is bad and wrong. And to accept myself as I am. Sounds like an oversimplification, but for me it works. 

Yes, for the most part I am continuing to live a healthy lifestyle, still working on losing weight, still trying not to consume too much of the "bad stuff", but if I want to indulge in something decadent once in a while, whether it's a tall craft beer or a piece of chocolate cake, I give myself permission to do that.

Balance, my friends. ✌